3 Ways To Initiate Sex with your Spouse

If you want to initiate sex with your spouse, but are not sure how – try these 3 ideas to help you out!

It’s always fun to look at some of the ways people arrive at our website. What we have learned is that you might be looking for ways to initiate sex with your spouse.

The reason I say that is because some of the phrases people use to find Stupendous Marriage are really interesting like “I am uncomfortable initiating sex with my wife“, “how to initiate sex with husband“, “how to get your husbands attention sexually“, “why don’t wives initiate sex?” Just to point out a few.

Today, I wanted to offer 3 Quick Tips to initiate sex with your spouse.

1. Use Signals To Alert Your Spouse You Are In The Mood.

Sometimes there is a stigma – or pressure with who starts what, when. So, use a signal. A code word, a candle lit on the table , a familiar love song, a certain piece of clothing, a favorite meal, a certain dessert, a rose in a vase displayed on the table. You decide what the signal is, and what it means.

2. Be Direct.

Instead of hemming and hawing, say, “I would like to be intimate with you, when can we connect to make that happen?”  Or just show up naked.

3. Take Turns.

If you find that one of you initiates more often than the other, balance it out by taking turns. Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo suggest you break the week up 3/3/1 . You have 3 days to initiate sex and so does your spouse (and one day off). At least once during your 3 days, step up and make something happen in the intimacy department. Their book deals with all types of intimacy. (aff link)

What makes initiating sex with your spouse difficult?

Leave us a comment below and let us know! (Yes, you can do it anonymously if you want!)


  1. I have suggested using a signal of some sort – a red bulb in the night light in the master bathroom. I put bulbs in her makeup drawer and in my drawer under the sink. She forgot what the signal meant. I have tried the direct route by being in our bed naked, and candles lit in our bedroom when she came home from work and she thought I was tired and wanted to take a nap so she went to the living room so not to distrurb me. We are curriently trying taking turns. I have to say that it is not working very good so far. She tells me that she wants to have sex with me but all that is happening from my point of view is my blood pressure and frustration level just keep increasing.

    1. Bryan I’m in that boat too, for me the best way has been to just start undressing her – make it fun and laugh keep it light yet sensual and she should pick-up on the big hint.
      Not 100% effective but gets the message out there.

  2. When you inititate sex and your partner turns you down for whatever reason, he is tired, stressed or whatever and they haven’t communicated that with you – you may feel rejected and take it personally. I know that I have felt this. However, when I stop and think what my feelings are it usually isn’t about him but about how I feel about me. And since I am only responsible for me and how I feel – then I don’t take it personally when he isn’t in the mood. It took years to figure this out. 🙂

  3. After twenty years of getting turned down frequently, I decided that I would only have sex with my wife if she initiated it. After five years of that, I decided that wasn’t working too well. I feel more engaged getting back in the driver’s seat. We are not having sex any more frequently but it got me to this site and working on sharpening my skills.

  4. A simpel code that works for us (and we are married for 15 years now) is to begin teasing the other. A little hit into his side while running away with “Catch me if you can” is a real good initiation. It blows the stress of the day away. It makes us laugh and childish, so we can easy forget the worries fo the day and lead to…you know what.

  5. My husband and I have been married for less than a year and together for six. We used to be all over each other. We are very much in love and even like one another as people. Sex has become a big issue. He is working long hours and six to seven days a week. He is tired all the time and isn’t himself most days. His idea of initiating sex is whipping it out and exclaiming ‘B–w me’ or ‘Can I stick it in your a*s’ and many more. When I am direct and tell him that doesn’t turn me on, he gets frustrated with me and turns things around on me. He also tells me how he never ‘GETS’ sex anymore or I never ‘GIVE’ him sex. This makes me feel inadequate and not good enough…. Because…

    I work full-time, run my own business part-time. I cook, clean, take care of 92% of household chores, our dog, and workout 5 days a week. That is in addition to grieving my mother that recently passed away (3 months after our wedding). I dress up sexy for him and then he tells me he is tired and clearly I just dress up to be selfish and fulfill my own needs. What!?!?!!! What woman dresses in sexy lingerie for herself?! When we finally do have sex, he seems automated and wants me to do all the work and doesn’t touch me. I’m becoming numb inside. When he finishes quickly, he goes back to saying it is my fault bc I never GIVE him sec anymore. Um hello….I just did!

    Tonight, I jumped in the shower, naked, as he was getting in and he asked me what I was doing and do I need the shower that badly. I literally had to explain in a discussion I was trying to jump him. UGH! How frustrating! I’m such a sexual person but this guy is killing me inside in that area.

    Don’t get me wrong, he is an amazing husband. He works hard, is kind, generous, caring and funny…. Just to name a few qualities. If I didn’t think the world of him, it wouldn’t bother me so much. I just miss the hell out of him! I miss our connection and miss feeling he thinks I am hot. Believe me, I have communicated all of this to him, but he doesn’t seem to get it.

    Please help me!

    1. Hey Mary Beth – Thanks for commenting.

      Was he not working those long hours before you were married? What changed that he is now working so much?

      Sometimes you realize when you get into your marriage, that drives change with your spouse. Maybe – I don’t know for sure – but you may have a higher drive than your husband… there is a great resource called Spice and Love (http://spiceandlove.wordpress.com) written by a higher drive wife.

      Have you told him that last paragraph more than once? We guys are really slow to understand stuff most times!! 🙂

      1. Yes, he worked long hours before. We had a decent sex life. He tried more back then.

        The issue is that I’ve stopped initiating and he doesn’t ever initiate so we don’t have sex. When we do, he is automated and not present. He also doesn’t try to please me; his attitude is I should do all the work. I want my husband to initiate sex because it makes me feel desirable and amazing! What woman doesn’t want to feel wanted by her husband? When I have been direct with him, he dismisses it by saying it is my job as his wife to please him. He wasn’t like this before!

        The other issue that I have is how he does initiate. I find it crude and a turn off for me the way he communicates his desire for sex. Having a man pulling out his manhood, sticking it in my face and exclaiming, “Get to work” just doesn’t get me going. When I communicate that or talk about sex at all, he feels I place too many ‘rules’ on sex. He feels that talking about it at all means I’m making a problem where a problem doesn’t exist.

        I don’t know what else to do. He was raised in a strong European family where the man is the head of the household. He showed occasional signs of this before we were married but has really brought them forward since. I guess with the passing of my mother, I’ve changed in that I want a partnership even more now, and that goes for the bedroom. Why is it that wanting a little romance from my husband is a bad thing, or, wanting to feel desired is a negative? He views it as I showed just know this and therefore forget it and be the initiator.

        Am I missing something here?

  6. I can’t speak for all women out there since everyone has their own tastes and preferences, but I wonder if most men are visual then perhaps most women could be considered tactile creatures. If men would like to initiate in the most effective direct way without saying a word, simply touch and rub a girl everywhere….and I do mean everywhere..naughty bits last 😉 But do get there eventually or she’ll just think she lucked out on a full body massage tonight, lol. Ask your girl where her favorite erotic places are to be touch (Back? Scalp? Legs?), and there you go. You know exactly where to swoop in, but advisable to start with least stimulating and gradually work your way up. I’ve heard men are the opposite..start with the naughty bits then work your way out to other areas.

  7. My husband is completely in love with me and I am with him. We have been married just over a year and we were not “sexually” together before our wedding day. I was a virgin and he wasnt. Now that we are married I feel like I am the one who is desiring to make love more often then he is. Is that normal?? I try to initiate it but he pulls away and says he is too tired. Everytime he initiates it I go with it and its amazing. I’ve decided to decrease the amount of times I inititiate and I have noticed he is starting to initiate it abit more. Is it that he likes doing the chasing maybe? I did play hard to get before we started courting- maybe that’s something he liked about our relationship. My question is, is he genuinely too tired?? Before we got married I thought I was going to be the one trying to keep up with his sexual desires but its actually the way around. Why is that?

    1. Anon, first off, good for you for trying to get some sex going. Consider this view point, maybe it will be of interest in your situation? When my wife very rarely initiates sex (maybe once a year) and it is pretty much her leading me to the bedroom, getting undressed, and laying there. It isn’t a turn on anymore. While I appreciate her being available, what I’m dying for is for her to be into me physically… to attack me, pleasure me, take her time, maybe tease me, talk dirty, pretty much anything. This may have nothing to do with your situation but I offer it up. A tip: some guys really like their nipples licked. Do a hand job while gently licking his nipples.

  8. We have been married 46 and I’ve only had sex with my husband once on our wedding night my first, last, and only time. This was my only time to fight and argue with him also, it wasn’t fun and the out come turned really ugly.
    The day after wedding night he told me that I was disgusting and that sex was disgusting. It was smelly, messy and vile he even threw up after that. He told he never again wanted to involved with intimacy and sex with me or any one else. During our fight he finally just turned around went into the bedroom took all his clothes and stuff and went to the basement.
    At this point I thought he was kidding but he did say leave me alone, He has no need to talk to me ever again, this is where I’m going to stay for ever, I can do what I want stay, leave find a boy friend or girl friend. Just don’t bother him. We haven’t been together since day one, he also worked midnights so he never slept with me or had dinner with me. I refuse to be with another man they are all horrible creatures, my cat has more brains and affection than any man. We are still married on paper but I only do girl things with my friends at church.

  9. I have a similar situation. Wife never initiates sex with me. She always tells me I need to “whoo” her to get her in the mood. Been married 5 years together 7 with a 19 mth old child. When dating we were rabbits. Once married and moved in together it slowed to stop. While I don’t mind “whoo” ing her on occasion, I would like her to initiate sex. I want to feel wanted for sex, not just for yard work and other husband tasks. We get in an argument about every 6 months about it and I need a resolution. I have done the whole whooing her hoping next time she would get more interested in initiation but no luck, so then I throw in the towel and get frustrated. In the end I just want to feel wanted…

  10. That No 1 is my wife’s usual method.
    When she presents my favourite red wine with some roasted gizzard after dinner, it just means “get ready for a great night”.

    At other times it could be a change to a special bed sheet and pillow cases.

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