Quick thought for Sunday:
It’s always fun to look at some of the ways people get to our site. What we have learned is that we get lots of visits from people who are looking for ways to initiate sex with their spouses. Some of the phrases people use are really interesting like “I am uncomfortable initiating sex with my wife“, “how to initiate sex with husband“, “how to get your husbands attention sexually“, “why dont wives initiate sex?” Just to point out a few.
Today, I wanted to offer 3 Quick Tips for folks who need help initiating sex with their spouse. (More great thoughts on sexual intimacy for married couples are coming soon – so sign up to get updates from Stupendous Marriage)
1. Use Signals To Alert Your Spouse You Are In The Mood.
Sometimes there is a stigma – or pressure with who starts what, when. So, use a signal. A code word, a candle lit on the table , a familiar love song, a certain piece of clothing, a favorite meal, a certain dessert, a rose in a vase displayed on the table. You decide what the signal is, and what it means.
2. Be Direct.
Instead of hemming and hawing, say, “I would like to be intimate with you, when can we connect to make that happen?” Or just show up naked.
3. Take Turns.
If you find that one of you initiates more often than the other, balance it out by taking turns. Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo suggest you break the week up 3/3/1 . You have 3 days to initiate sex and so does your spouse (and one day off). At least once during your 3 days, step up and make something happen in the intimacy department. Their book deals with all types of intimacy. (aff link)
What makes initiating sex with your spouse difficult?
Leave us a comment below and let us know! (Yes, you can do it anonymously if you want!)
I have suggested using a signal of some sort – a red bulb in the night light in the master bathroom. I put bulbs in her makeup drawer and in my drawer under the sink. She forgot what the signal meant. I have tried the direct route by being in our bed naked, and candles lit in our bedroom when she came home from work and she thought I was tired and wanted to take a nap so she went to the living room so not to distrurb me. We are curriently trying taking turns. I have to say that it is not working very good so far. She tells me that she wants to have sex with me but all that is happening from my point of view is my blood pressure and frustration level just keep increasing.
Bryan I’m in that boat too, for me the best way has been to just start undressing her – make it fun and laugh keep it light yet sensual and she should pick-up on the big hint.
Not 100% effective but gets the message out there.
When you inititate sex and your partner turns you down for whatever reason, he is tired, stressed or whatever and they haven’t communicated that with you – you may feel rejected and take it personally. I know that I have felt this. However, when I stop and think what my feelings are it usually isn’t about him but about how I feel about me. And since I am only responsible for me and how I feel – then I don’t take it personally when he isn’t in the mood. It took years to figure this out.
That is so true Julie – thanks!! We are still learning
After twenty years of getting turned down frequently, I decided that I would only have sex with my wife if she initiated it. After five years of that, I decided that wasn’t working too well. I feel more engaged getting back in the driver’s seat. We are not having sex any more frequently but it got me to this site and working on sharpening my skills.
A simpel code that works for us (and we are married for 15 years now) is to begin teasing the other. A little hit into his side while running away with “Catch me if you can” is a real good initiation. It blows the stress of the day away. It makes us laugh and childish, so we can easy forget the worries fo the day and lead to…you know what.
I think remembering to play is a great thing! thanks for that Nicole!
My husband and I have been married for less than a year and together for six. We used to be all over each other. We are very much in love and even like one another as people. Sex has become a big issue. He is working long hours and six to seven days a week. He is tired all the time and isn’t himself most days. His idea of initiating sex is whipping it out and exclaiming ‘B–w me’ or ‘Can I stick it in your a*s’ and many more. When I am direct and tell him that doesn’t turn me on, he gets frustrated with me and turns things around on me. He also tells me how he never ‘GETS’ sex anymore or I never ‘GIVE’ him sex. This makes me feel inadequate and not good enough…. Because…
I work full-time, run my own business part-time. I cook, clean, take care of 92% of household chores, our dog, and workout 5 days a week. That is in addition to grieving my mother that recently passed away (3 months after our wedding). I dress up sexy for him and then he tells me he is tired and clearly I just dress up to be selfish and fulfill my own needs. What!?!?!!! What woman dresses in sexy lingerie for herself?! When we finally do have sex, he seems automated and wants me to do all the work and doesn’t touch me. I’m becoming numb inside. When he finishes quickly, he goes back to saying it is my fault bc I never GIVE him sec anymore. Um hello….I just did!
Tonight, I jumped in the shower, naked, as he was getting in and he asked me what I was doing and do I need the shower that badly. I literally had to explain in a discussion I was trying to jump him. UGH! How frustrating! I’m such a sexual person but this guy is killing me inside in that area.
Don’t get me wrong, he is an amazing husband. He works hard, is kind, generous, caring and funny…. Just to name a few qualities. If I didn’t think the world of him, it wouldn’t bother me so much. I just miss the hell out of him! I miss our connection and miss feeling he thinks I am hot. Believe me, I have communicated all of this to him, but he doesn’t seem to get it.
Please help me!
Hey Mary Beth – Thanks for commenting.
Was he not working those long hours before you were married? What changed that he is now working so much?
Sometimes you realize when you get into your marriage, that drives change with your spouse. Maybe – I don’t know for sure – but you may have a higher drive than your husband… there is a great resource called Spice and Love (http://spiceandlove.wordpress.com) written by a higher drive wife.
Have you told him that last paragraph more than once? We guys are really slow to understand stuff most times!!
Yes, he worked long hours before. We had a decent sex life. He tried more back then.
The issue is that I’ve stopped initiating and he doesn’t ever initiate so we don’t have sex. When we do, he is automated and not present. He also doesn’t try to please me; his attitude is I should do all the work. I want my husband to initiate sex because it makes me feel desirable and amazing! What woman doesn’t want to feel wanted by her husband? When I have been direct with him, he dismisses it by saying it is my job as his wife to please him. He wasn’t like this before!
The other issue that I have is how he does initiate. I find it crude and a turn off for me the way he communicates his desire for sex. Having a man pulling out his manhood, sticking it in my face and exclaiming, “Get to work” just doesn’t get me going. When I communicate that or talk about sex at all, he feels I place too many ‘rules’ on sex. He feels that talking about it at all means I’m making a problem where a problem doesn’t exist.
I don’t know what else to do. He was raised in a strong European family where the man is the head of the household. He showed occasional signs of this before we were married but has really brought them forward since. I guess with the passing of my mother, I’ve changed in that I want a partnership even more now, and that goes for the bedroom. Why is it that wanting a little romance from my husband is a bad thing, or, wanting to feel desired is a negative? He views it as I showed just know this and therefore forget it and be the initiator.
Am I missing something here?