6 Reasons Your Marriage is Falling Apart

These 6 things can cause a marriage to be unstable

6 reasons your marriage is falling apart
What does a stable marriage look like? Steadfast, enduring, permanent? In today’s marriage climate, those words don’t seem to reflect many marriages I know. Couples are cheating, divorcing and falling apart (and that doesn’t even take into consideration celebrity marriages).

When I said “I do,” I said it hoping my marriage would endure. Yet, the longer I’ve been married the more I see how easy it is to lose your footing on the foundations of your marriage.

6 reasons your marriage is falling apart

1. We fail to create a stable marriage when we rely on our spouse to fulfill all of our needs.

It is unfair to think that our spouse will meet all of our needs. Being a guy who is trying to align his life with the Bible, I tend to go back to the story about Adam and Eve. When Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they were kicked out of paradise where all their needs were met. They were then cursed to work hard for everything they needed. Whether you believe that story or not, the truth remains that it takes a lot of work and more than one person to fill all the needs in our lives. We long for all of our needs to be met by one person, but that just isn’t going to happen. Your spouse is human, not divine. Your spouse may be great but you can’t expect them to be your Eden.

2. We fail to create a stable marriage when we think its all about ourselves.

To quote from Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven Life , “It’s Not About You.”
But, we do make our marriages all about US. When it comes to relationships, we think only of ourselves and our needs. I admit I’m REALLY selfish. I want my Beautiful Wife™ to take care of all of my wants and needs. But what if I shifted my perspective a bit and focused on serving her and actually asked questions about what she desires? When it comes to serving my wife, I am often inconsiderate and that causes problems. I have to remember that my marriage is not all about me.

3. We fail to create a stable marriage when we make the other person the center of our life.

We all love a good romantic movie. I’m a sucker for “The American President” with Michael Douglas and Annette Bening. But life and marriage don’t work like they do in the movies. You can’t just run around always thinking about that special someone. I believe that marriage is the most important relationship we can have on this planet; however, if you make your mate the one and only center of your universe, your life is gonna be screwy. I said earlier that marriage is not all about you, but guess what? Marriage is not all about your spouse either. You can’t be around your spouse every waking minute. That’s just creepy. Give your spouse the space to grow and be who they are.

4. We fail to create a stable marriage when we make being happy the most important thing in our lives.

I think married couples should be happy. If they aren’t happy they should be working on being happy. But happiness isn’t the most important thing in a marriage. Dr. Corey Allan says it well on his blog Simple Marriage, “Marriage is about growing us up.” And guess what? Growing pains hurt.
Our culture gives us so many messages about how this ‘thing’ or that ‘thing’ will make us happy and fulfilled. Yet, if we approach our marriage with an attitude that asks, “What are you going to do for me to make me happy?” Your marriage is going to be a tough road. Marriage is about growing and learning to be a better person. Its not about being happy all the time.

5. We fail to create a stable marriage when we compare our marriage to others.

“Oh, the Phillips family down the street has the greatest, most happy marriage that I have ever seen!” Sure, but what about the stuff you don’t see? When we start comparing our marriage to other marriages, we set our relationships up for failure. When we compare, we are taking what we know about our relationship and comparing it to what we DON’T know about someone else’s. This can cause bitterness and dissatisfaction, which breeds contempt. No marriage needs that.

6. We fail to create a stable marriage when we make our marriage about romantic feelings.

Passion eventually fades. To make your marriage last you have to be committed to your spouse no matter how you feel. The romantic feelings may come and go, but your feelings of togetherness and bondedness don’t have to quit. Become a student of your spouse; learn everything you can about them. It will keep you interested in and interesting to the one you love.

What do you do to create a stable marriage?

Leave us a comment below!

photo by Ivars Krutanis

Comments

  1. Karla says

    My marriage is falling apart cause my husband thinks only for himself .Us having 6kids and one on the way he treats me and makes me feel that iam just another piece of furniture in the house.When he wants he holds me and the sex is horrible…..

    • Lacy says

      I don’t know what to do with my husband… Our marriage is on a downward spiral, and I can’t stop it. I used to keep all my frustrations and fears to myself because i didn’t want to nitpick him, or seem like I just wanted to point out his flaws to start a fight… Until I was at a breaking point, and I would just get so upset and drag everything out. Of course I know I shouldn’t have developed this habit, but in all honesty I was just trying to keep it together. I know my husband is not the romantic type, he doesn’t give a lot of compliments, and please and thank yous are few and far between. But up until the last year he’s always shown me the simple, love, respect, or affections when I really needed the reminder that he loved me. However this last year has been really hard on our family, he’s lost several jobs, and has yet to find steady employment. Even though I have 4 children, I stepped up and work several little side jobs (house cleaning, graphic design, photography, massage therapy etc) what ever my skills and training in the past could help me do. He’s supposed to be working on a degree, but procrastinates assignments, fails, and changes majors… Again and again. Recently he was offered work from my father on our family farm; instead if being grateful for the opportunity to provide income for our family, and working hard, he shows up late or not at all, takes 2 hr lunch breaks, etc. obviously my dad won’t “fire” him, but he no longer considers my husband a reliable, trustworthy person, and doesn’t call him for work any more. If my husband shows up, they are happy to put him to work, because they desperately need help on the farm… But he’s not dependable, and I’m embarrassed. I don’t want my dad to dislike my husband; the father of my children; man I’ve loved for more than half my life .. But this creature is not my husband, this guy sleeps til 10 everyday only to plop himself down on the couch watching tv or movies, playing little games on his smart phone… Meanwhile I’m scrubbing other people’s toilets to help pay the bills. I hate this! He is always complaining about one ailment or another… It’s like he wants me to feel sorry for him, pity him, rather than respect him. I don’t know why he no longer feels driven to provide for his family, he’s lost all ambition, and has shut down emotionally. We’ve always been able to joke and tease, but it’s been a long time since he said anything nice to me, that everything he says hurts my feelings and I react poorly to it, even though I don’t want to. It was kind of like I was keeping track of all the crappy things he did or said, how many days he would go with out initiating a hug or kiss, how many days would pass before I would here an unsolicited “I love you” if I told him “I love you” how would he respond, would he mumble an I audible “I love you”… You get the idea, basically I was documenting all the things that hurt. So I told myself NO, I’m not going to document to bad stuff I’m going to keep track of all the good stuff, and at the same time step up my efforts to be a little sweeter, more patient, go out of my way to do something nice for him… Most of my efforts went unnoticed, I was even turned down several times, when I tried to increase our sex life (which is minimal). I felt hurt over and over again, and my list of “good” from my husband was nonexistent. Days, and days would pass with out so much as a “thanks for dinner”. Being hurt I decided that I’d take a step back, and withdraw my extra efforts… Which no surprise was unnoticed as well. He does not care if I’m nice, he does not care if I’m indifferent. And when I mention his lack of interest in me has the audacity to say “I’ve just been treating you the way you threat me” I was stunned!! He wakes me up with kisses, I love yous and breakfast? He makes sure the kids let me have my down time to relax? He makes my bed, washes my laundry, cooks my meals, brings me lunch, picks up my favorite treat, runs my personal errands, and offers me sex every night of the week?? Well I must have, missed that memo. I love this man, but I don’t like him right now… I miss the team effort we both put in to financially sustain our family, I miss the hardworking self sacrificing husband and father that put our children first… This guy is selfish, and lazy, and embarrassing. I’m ashamed to admit that I lie to my friends and acquaintances, hoping no one will realize that he’s an unemployed loser that won’t even show up when needed on the family farm… All while my parents have to help pay our bills, and birthdays… It’s too much for me to bear anymore. How long will this cycle last? I can’t let it continue, and i can’t live this way. What are am I teaching my daughters? They are going to grow up thinking its normal to scrub people’s toilets so that your husband can watch tv all day…. They are going to think its ok to never hear a kind word from your husband, and that it’s ok to lie to people as long as you’re doing it to make your husband look like a great person? I know that I am not without faults, and am in know what a perfect wife, but no one can say I haven’t tried. Who have I become? What should I do?

  2. Karla says

    He has a problem with himself that I can’t say…but that thing has to go first then his family….He works and he has 10months that he don’t give me not even a dollar cause he says I don’t deserve nothing …He calls me ugly names and never takes me out nowhere….what can I do????Help!!!!!

  3. Julie says

    My husband thinks that because he works from 7 pm to the wee hours into the morning I should wake up and talk to him and have sex with him. I think that it’s not as romantic if we just do it that way and he has been having a shorter and shorter temper with our kids. he wants them to be perfect without an effort but he wont help them learn he just yells at them and expects them to learn from his yelling. I’m not saying I’m an angel by no means I have faults but at least I am working on them. He just goes beyond the point of necessary or even appropriate!! I’ve tried talking to him but he just gets mad and storms out of the apartment. I don’t even accuse him but I do ask him if we could take some like parenting class to be better parents or even anger management classes for our anger issues and then he flips out and throws things in my face about things that happened before him and I met and he just cannot seem to keep his head in the present or future just always in the past.

  4. Danielle says

    My relationship is falling apart, I know some of it is me. I sometimes compare us to other relationships, but my husband is bitter he talks about how all marriages eventually fall apart. I always just want him as a friend to talk to and let him know about my day or a story, and he usually has no response and sometimes just walks away in the middle of my conversation, I feel like he doesn’t even want to know me, and then he wants sex with me. I don’t like him to cuss infront of our children and touch me inappropriately infront of them and he says I’m a prude. He’s on disability and he doesn’t help with anything around the house, cleaning, dishes, laundry etc.. And he goes fishing everyday and says I’m a terrible wife and mom, I ask him if sometimes I can go to the gym and he says as long as I take the newborn with me and I never get a break and the gym doesn’t take newborns. I made a terrible mistake with him, I told him today I was at my breaking point and I really needed him to come home and watch the kids so I can get away for 1 hour and he said no that he
    needs his time. I just feel like when you tell your partner your at your breaking point they should help you emotionally and lift you up. I’m not
    even looking to be the pitty me
    partner I just feel like sometimes I want to step away from the kids for an hour just to keep my sanity. Every time we argue about anything for
    example he doesn’t care about laws, he doesn’t stop at stop signs, he drinks and then drives and won’t let me drive when I’m 100% sober, he speeds at least 15 miles over the speed limit and then will tailgate cars on the freeway, I’m 23 years old and I literally feel like I’m going to have a heart attack and ask that he just please slow down that my heart is racing and then he says I’m a nagging bitch and I am not to say 1 thing about his driving ever. I just want to be respected, not have my boundaries broken, and have a friend to talk to. I want to feel like this is a partnership equally and not that I don’t matter.

    • says

      Thanks for the comment – It sounds like you need a break! Do you have any support from family that could help with the kids if your husband won’t? That might be a first step to help you have some breathing room.

      If your husband is drinking and driving and you don’t feel safe, please don’t put yourself in danger by getting in a car with him. He needs to hit some hard boundaries to wake him up from the danger that he is creating in both of your lives.

      Speaking of hard boundaries, perhaps you need to take some time away – take the kids to your parents and have a long weekend. Make it clear that your needs are also valid and its not just a one sided relationship.

      Please email us if you want to talk about it further – onair (at) stupendousmarriage (dot) com

  5. Danielle says

    I’m at my point of just leaving. We have had some good times. But I want more I like to have conversation with my husband. unfortunately all I get is the silent treatment. we both work. I play ref between him and my nine year old.the middle child can do no wrong in his eyes because that’s his favorite. I would like to do family things but he don’t like anything unless its face or what he wants. It a one sided lane .I’m just tried we have been together 10 years and he hasn’t changed. I just fill its time to move on.

  6. tata says

    My husband doesn’t apreciate nothing i do for him his words hurt me everytime i dont know wat to do:(

  7. julia says

    My husband and i fell in love almost 4 years ago and coming up on our 2 anniversary. When he met me i had long hair and hardly wore make-up. After 2 kids i wanted to change things up. I cut my hair to my shoulder and started using more make up. My husband and i have started fighting and he has said im not the same girl he married and be careful or we wont be sharing the same bed. Im 2 weeks postpartum and my emotions are very sensitive. My heart hurts by his words. We both want our marriage to last! Help, tips!?

    • tata says

      Me and my husband r going threw the same thing we also have 2 kids and i did cut my hair short just for him his words hurt me as well i try to keep my tears in but sometimes they just run down down my checks really fast i dont know wat to do something needs 2 change:'{

  8. josh says

    My wife is says I have sex with her as if it’s a chore & when I do it only lasts for 10 or 20 minutes. I have trouble cumming & it hurts her feelings. we’ve gone a month without sex recently. Yeah, it’s bad. I guess I feel like I’m bored with it & want her to look like another woman sometimes. we haven’t been married even a year yet & I’m bored having sex with my new wife. This is a nightmare.