Wouldn’t you love it if you never had communication issues in your marriage? Communicating with your spouse is one of those things that you have to do.
Every Day.
Some days are rockier than others.
It’s always good to have the right tools when you hit rocky terrain. If you put this tool in your belt, it will help on those days when it seems like you’re hanging by one hand over the ‘communication cliff’!!
Mirroring
Instead of answering the question she poses, Take the key phrases she says and repeat them back to her (or him).
Harville Hendrix in Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
You don’t respond to the other persons comments. You repeat back to them what they said in a similar fashion.
Example:
She: I think that if we talked more and connected more outside of the bedroom, our sex life would be so much better. We should try to be more consistent in our sex life, which might lead to even better sex.
He: So, you’re saying that if we connect more during the day, and talk more often, sex would be better and more consistent – Is that what I understand you are saying?
A natural tendency is to jump to conclusions or to try and solve the problem (especially for guys). If you start mirroring the other person, it gives them an opportunity to say…
‘YES! Right on, that is exactly what I was saying…’ (Then they- most times – will elaborate even more on the point, giving you more clarification as to their desires and wants).
Or, ‘NO! That is not what I meant’…which would be followed by another description of the desire of your spouse (giving you an opportunity to try mirroring again).
Messing up the Mirror
If you do miss it – take the above instance, with a different response from him:
She: I just think that if we talked more and connected more outside of the bedroom, our sex life would be so much better. We should try to be more consistent in our sex life, which might lead to even better sex.
He: So, if we connect more sexually, then you’ll want to connect more by talking, is that what you meant?
She would have an opportunity to restate her desires, and he would have the opportunity to try and mirror what she said again.
This type of communicating doesn’t come naturally for me. I want to solve the issue, or figure it out. But if I mirror, and slow down the communication and UNDERSTAND her FIRST…In the end, we both get what we want.
Tool Time
(I want you to try this and then respond back here in the comments!)
*Have a conversation about something significant (it’s your decision on what significant is!).
*Listen to your spouse.
*Don’t formulate an answer to his/her problem.
*Repeat back to them what you understood them saying to you. Use phrases like “Do I understand you…” “Did I hear you say” “Here is what I heard you say…is that what you meant?”
*Your spouse will either say YES! – and you move deeper into the conversation…or NO! -then you get an opportunity to try the mirror again.
Mirror Mirror On the Wall:
What happened when you tried this communication technique with your spouse? Did you notice anything?
If you have done this before – Is this a technique that has helped you communicate better with your spouse?
Stu & Lisa have been married 8 years (together 11) and have a heart to encourage couples in their marriages. They live in Middle Tennessee, have an awesome 6 year old, and a mutt named 'Boo'.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I have tried mirroring with my husband and he will clarify with a yes or no, but very rarely will he elaborate. Sometimes i feel like i’m pulling teeth to get him to say exactly what he means. i’ve even told him about mirroring and tried to give him tips on communicating, but when its time for us to talk i always get the same thing. i say how i feel about something and he just sits there. if i ask him does he understand he’ll say “yeah”, nothing more. Then i start to feel like i’m nagging him because he doesn’t respond the way i would like. I would rather him think i’m nagging though then to hold in my feelings about certain topics. i always tell him to tell me if something is bothering him rather than letting it build up and explode one day. Is it just me or is this how most men are?
I don’t know if it is how ‘most’ men are – but it sounds like your husband is that way. Perhaps you can express to him how frustrated you get when you only receive 1 word answers. I do know that nagging won’t help the situation – he might retreat even further and refuse to open up. So, express your feelings outside of a time when you are highly ‘charged’ from a conversation.
Try catching him doing what you want and encourage him. There might be times when he is expressive…tell him that is what you like…show him how happy it makes you when he expresses himself. The times might be few and far between right now, but if he realizes you like it, and you make a big deal of it, he might try to do more of it!
Thank you for responding and for the great advice. I will try encouraging him like you said. There are times that he expresses himself, but its not usually concerning our relationship. I will note those times and try to encourage the same expressiveness when discussing things about us.
Thanks again
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