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On the Show:

We answered some general topics that we have been receiving via our email list (you can sign up here).

We made mention of Andy Andrews and a quote from him.

From Michael Hyatt’s Blog, we talked about Marriage having a bigger mission than just the day to day stuff.

More: Do you Have Vision for your Marriage?

Also, we pointed out a great article from a woman whose marriage had been hurt by an affair, but decided to stay with her husband and work thru the difficult times. This article also has links to other couples in the same struggle.

The Show Isn’t Complete Without You!

We want to hear from you Please leave a voicemail about this show, or an upcoming show. If you want to call, here is that number: 615-267-3733

We’d love for you to be a part of an upcoming show.

Questions via email are also terrific. Honestly, we aren’t the quickest returning them, but we do answer many of them on our show so….Email Us! 

If you enjoy our show, please Comment and Rate us on iTunes! That would be terrific to help get the word out to other couples who need encouragement.

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On the Show:

We answered an email from Sterling regarding his Wife to be struggling with Family issues.

A book we suggested for them was Victory Over the Darkness: Realizing the Power of Your Identity in Christ by Neil T. Anderson. It’s one of the best books on Identity in Christ out there!

More: 6 Beliefs that Hinder Your Marriage

Mike Duerksen sent Live Tweets of a Marriage Proposal – that is some preparation! But is also leads to the question – How much of your personal life and ‘stuff’ do you put out there on social media channels?

And, the dreaded “S” Word…not SEX!! but Submission! Who submits to whom? This is a sensitive topic for lots of people. We framed our conversation around this article from Relevant Magazine online.

The Show Isn’t Complete Without You!

We want to hear from you Please leave a voicemail about this show, or an upcoming show. If you want to call, here is that number: 615-267-3733

We’d love for you to be a part of an upcoming show.

Questions via email are also terrific. Honestly, we aren’t the quickest returning them, but we do answer many of them on our show so….Email Us! 

If you enjoy our show, please Comment and Rate us on iTunes! That would be terrific to help get the word out to other couples who need encouragement.

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we Talked about:

8 Reasons Marriage is Better Than the Gym

10 Ways to Score Big Points with your Wife

Treat Your Spouse Like a Stranger

Return to the Scene of the Crime

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photo by Daniel Lee Photography

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we Talked about:

Ephesians 4:28 (and Matthew 5:30!!)

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy
- Gary Thomas (aff link)

Marital Success is a Matter of Attitude

I’m no longer in love with my spouse – What do I do?

Proverbs 24:16

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photo by Velocia

Over the past weeks, we have been honored to be featured on several great marriage blogs – take a second to check out our post at One Flesh Marriage and HappilyMarriedAfter!

Our One Flesh Marriage article was focused on answering one question: If there was only one thing from the story of your marriage that you could share, what would it be?

My response started here: Let’s start from the beginning. While my wife Lisa and I were dating, she discovered that I had a problem with looking at pornography. It became the ‘elephant in the room’ in our relationship… we both knew it was there, but rarely talked about it. After we were married, I knew that something had to change, but didn’t know where to start… continue reading

On HappilyMarriedAfter, we were honored to be part of “Sex” Month! David asked me to talk a bit about pornography addiction and marriage.

…I wanted to be a better man, a better husband and father. I didn’t want to be someone who caused hurt, pain and resentment with my decisions to look at pornography (I could cause those feelings in other ways, and I didn’t need viewing porn to fan those flames).

I also wanted to be the man who stood up for God and made a difference in the life of my son. I wanted to break the generational disintegration that seemed to be happening in the men in my family. ..continue reading

Check these out if pornography is an issue in your marriage!

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we Talked about:

Making Marriage Fun Again…Even though Pastor David Foster is gone, He is still ministering to people via technology!!!

9 Fights to Have with Your Husband

A Story of Zing 1 and Zing 2

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pic of julia roberts, the Runaway Bride courtesy stylishweddingideas.com

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Happy Easter from the Stupendous Marriage Show

This week, we wanted to offer up our most downloaded show so far…Episode 5!

Here are the links to what we talked about:

Make Marriage Fun says that What we fight about isn’t what we really are fighting about! (on twitter and website)

Argue Nekkid (as Lisa Says) and 44 other Things that Make a Happy Marriage

Why I Should Initiate Sex with My Wife

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cross pic via Mountain Musings

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we Talked about:

Michelle Weiner Davis book – the Sex Starved Marriage (a great read for those who really struggle with low drive vs. high drive)

3 Powerful Marriage Lessons from Easter

Is Crappy Sexual Intimacy Your Normal?

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pic of julia roberts, the Runaway Bride courtesy stylishweddingideas.com

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we Talked about:

Episode 35 - about Nagging

The 5 Love Languages

Max Andrew Dubinsky’s The Problem of Pornography

Galatians 5:1-14

More from Lori Lowe

Grab Lori’s Book First Kiss to Lasting Bliss (Kindle)

Marriage Gems is her research based blog about marriage

Lori D. Lowe is her website where you can find out more about her!

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we Talked about:

10 Things your kids learn from your marriage

Is marriage becoming obsolete?

Lori Lowe

Grab Lori’s Book First Kiss to Lasting Bliss (Kindle)

Marriage Gems is her research based blog about marriage

Lori D. Lowe is her website where you can find out more about her!

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615-267-3733

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we Talked about:

Stu on Pinterest

50 Ways to Show Your Husband You Love Him

Sheila Wray Gregoire Part II
Grab Sheila’s New Book: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex: (And You Thought Bad Girls Have All the Fun)

To Love Honor And Vacuum Blog – Awesome encouragement for marriages!

If you want to read all 29 days to great sex posts – Start here on her blog: The Act of Marriage

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Just caught this infographic from Mars Hill Church. While it’s not an easy or fun topic to talk about, pornography is something that needs to be addressed for lots of married couples.

Read more at Mars Hill’s Website

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we Talked about:

5 Tips for Forgiveness…from our email archives! (You can sign up for the list on the sidebar from that page)

J – Hot Holy and Humorous: On Oral Sex for your husband. This is a good read if you would like some thoughts on anatomy and techniques. Read the comments too – very helpful.

Alisa Bowman Also wrote an article on the topic: Tips for Oral Sex.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - The 4 horsemen that John Gottman references are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling

Real Marriage - Mentioned in the show – by Mark and Grace Driscoll

Nagging is more common than Adultery, but can still lead to divorce

Sheila Wray Gregoire
Grab Sheila’s New Book: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex: (And You Thought Bad Girls Have All the Fun)

To Love Honor And Vacuum Blog – Awesome encouragement for marriages!

If you want to read all 29 days to great sex posts – Start here on her blog: The Act of Marriage

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It always makes me smile when Science validates my faith. It’s almost like God smiling and saying “Hey – I know what I’m talking about!”

I ran across this article from the Guardian Magazine last week about fasting. Scientists are finding that fasting helps the brain battle Alzheimers and Parkinsons. They are in the early stages of research, but say that a consistent giving up on food for a day or two a week lowers calories and is a positive benefit to health.

I thought this was interesting timing.

36 Days in the Wilderness

We began this year with a fast. It wasn’t a full-on food fast, but it was a sacrifice. We gave up TV for 36 days. Reason being? We wanted to give something up that is a luxury in our lives, and ask God about what he wants to do with us.  How we should devote our time, our business and our lives to him for the coming year.

I felt 36 days was a good number because there are 365 days in the year, and thats roughly 10 percent of the year. It’s what I felt in my spirit, so we went with it.

I found that giving up the television wasn’t too difficult for me. For Lisa, it was a bit more intense. It was a good struggle for her (she kept threatening to watch a full 24 hours of television when we were finished! )

14 Days in the Land of Fruits and Vegetables

Since we are gluttons for punishment really seeking God’s direction for our ministry, we also decided to do a Daniel fast for a couple weeks before our first speaking engagement this year. We want to give that over to God and seek his guidance and direction for what he wants to do in our ministry.

There, by the Ahava Canal, I proclaimed a fast, so that we might humble ourselves before our God and ask him for a safe journey for us and our children, with all our possessions. Ezra 8:21

I’m not passing along our story to sound all spiritual. I’m passing it along, because I think this principle could be helpful for you and your marriage.

We’ve really been changed from our experience, and we’re only heading into month 3 of 2012. I’m not saying it’s some magical silver bullet, but I do believe that adding this element of being humble before God by giving something up (usually food, but can be something else that you ‘depend on’) will teach you a discipline that is essential to marriage.

Reliance on God, not yourself or your spouse.

I like to control things. I like to know how I’m going to make money, or how many voiceover jobs it will take to meet a goal, or how to make things happen in my marriage (usually selfish manipulation).

Its all about me. When you do the fasting thing, in essence, it’s like you are saying – ‘God, you are bigger than I am, and I realize that. Every time I need physical sustenance, or want to turn to the thing to fill the empty space, I instead turn to you’. When we do this regularly, it builds something in us…a dependence on God, not on ourselves or our stuff.

Some tips for fasting for your marriage:

1. Have a specific area or thing where you need an answer, or would like to see God move. Many who are just getting started just jump into it, or say “Well, I’m not going to eat anything today and that’s my fast”. You need to have a specific thing you can pray for while fasting. Figure it out before you start. Author Mark Batterson says that a fast without prayer is simply a diet (while legit – its not my point today).

2. Start Small. Perhaps you just give up one meal to start. Then give up a couple more the next time around. Then you can move up a day or more. Or, give up the phone for a weekend. Or television in the evenings.

3. Do it together. We decided to do both of these together – and it helped us encourage and spur each other on. It gave us a connecting point, and something to talk about. It also gives us a point of reference when God shows up in our lives.

4. If this interests you there are some great resources online: Personal Guide to Fasting and Prayer, Jentezen Franklin Tips for Fasting

So, we did it for the spiritual reason – but reading that article about the health benefits also made me want to continue to fast regularly for longer and healthier life! I mean, I want Lisa to enjoy me for as long as she can.

Is fasting something that you have done in your marriage?

photo by Oblivious Dude

If you want to have a better marriage, you need to stop reading marriage blogs, or marriage books, or getting marriage advice. Let me tell you why.

Reading the Bible

I’ve read the Bible cover to cover. And sections of it hundreds of times. But my life isn’t completely changed. I don’t have it all down pat. Everytime I think about the Bible as a whole, I realize how much I don’t know, how much I have yet to apply and how far away I am from the goal of being like Christ.

I get stuck and overwhelmed and want to quit. Sometimes I want to give up the whole thing and toss in the towel. But, I know I can’t do that.

You may have heard it said ‘Don’t just get through the Bible; let the Bible get through you!’ The way to get the Bible through me (and You) is to focus on it a little bit at a time, and work on one piece at a time.

It’s the same with when you take in lots of marriage advice.

Stop Reading, Start Applying

I’ve heard people say ” I have read all the marriage books out there, I have read all the marriage blogs, and NOTHING has changed in my marriage.”

My response is: Did you do anything more than read, and nod your head in agreement?

Here’s a shocker: Nothing that any of us who encourage couples write, or say, will change your marriage.

There. I said it. Nothing we say on our online marriage shows, or in our marriage retreats or online communities or courses will change your marriage.

Only you can change your marriage.

The way to do it? Stop reading and taking in so much (much of it VERY similar), and act on what you know.

I’m not saying that you can’t learn something new. But if you aren’t DOING ANYTHING with what you are reading? Nothing is going to change.

When You are Done With Marriage Advice

If you are in that group of people who has read every book, and every marriage blog, but nothing has changed in your marriage here are 3 things you need to DO:

1. Pray Hard. Only God can make water spring from a rock. You can hit that thing til you are blue in the face, but if God isn’t in it, nothing is going to happen. Get on your knees –Together and individually– and pray for God to change you first, and then change your marriage. Do you believe God is big enough to change you and your marriage?

2. Stop Reading. Our online world is addictive. We fill our heads with information or pictures or podcasts or games or news or…whatever. And to be honest, I enjoy it. But, if you have read all that is out there…Stop reading for awhile. Take a break to think about what you have read that could help your marriage and then…

3. Do Something. Pick One Piece of advice for your marriage. Do that one thing in your marriage for 30 days, or 60, or 90. See what happens. I don’t care if you read it here, or if it was in a book, or someone else’s community. DO IT and see what happens. Act on what you have read and learn from what you and your spouse experience over that season. Then, come back and pick another thing to do.

Over time, your marriage WILL change.

What ONE THING are you going to act on TODAY that can help your marriage?

photo from freedigitalimages

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we Talked about:

This week, we are all sick! So, here are a couple of our conversations from previous shows about sex.

We Want to hear from you – Do you have a question about Great sex with your spouse? We’ll be interviewing Sheila Wray Gregoire about her new book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex: (And You Thought Bad Girls Have All the Fun) (aff link) that comes out soon!

EMAIL US YOUR QUESTIONS!

Episode 005 – Who initiates Sex in your Marriage

Episode 015 – on Sexual Surrender

Episode 009 – Lack of Sex in Marriage

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I was having lunch with my friend Brian recently, and he was telling me of a challenge that he was taking part in. I wanted to pass it along to you, because I think its a great idea…and one you may have heard, but never done.

The Love Buck Experiment

The story my friend told me is about his buddy Jason who wanted more accountability in the sexual arena with his wife. So he made it a tangible thing. Every time they are intimate – they drop a buck in the Mason Jar. At the end of the year, they go do something together. If they have 10 bucks, they eat at McDonalds. If they have 50, they go somewhere nicer.

Easy premise, and also a great visual reminder for those who like to see progress. I think that’s why I like the challenge myself. I can get into ‘crummy’ thinking and start feeling “Woe is me” because the physical intimacy hasn’t happened on my schedule, to the level I believe it should happen. If I see a visible reminder – I can look at it and say – Hey – we actually HAVE been intimate quite a bit – stop with the stinkin thinkin!’

Variations On a Theme

Jason mentions in his post that one couple is dropping in wine corks – each representing a dollar – and at the end of the year, they’ll count the corks, and buy a nice bottle of wine to share. My buddy Brian shared that they purchased a nice Vase and drop a marble or bead in it to represent their times together. This way, they get a cool decoration that only they truly know what it means (well, now WE know what it means too, but I don’t think you’re going to be visiting their house anytime soon)

So what do you think about the Love Buck Experiment – would it be something that you would try?

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we Talked about:

You Complete Me…Conversations Along the Way

Does Not Having kids Mean that I’ll Never Grow up? from Top 10 Marriage Blog, The Long Haul Project

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pic from JerryMaguire courtesy the list

…Fruit of the spirit that is.

I am sure that adding physical fruit to your sex life would be fun, but that’s a post for another day!

Galatians 5:22-23 says this: But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

So Lets see what those might look like:

Love. This one should be present from the start. And as your marriage matures, love deepens and becomes more rich and enjoyable, expressed in many ways, from the physical to the mental and everything between. Try loving with actions. With words. With a look. With a gesture.

Joy. What is real joy? I think we mistake entertainment many times with joy. Joy could mean celebrating the normal, the mundane in your life. Being content with where you are (not complacent), but appreciating the person you have married fully without expectation of perfection.

Peace. A home without strife. A place where a husband and wife realize they are together, battling the issues of life, not each other. Its easier to be peaceful when you accomplish difficulties together.

Patience. I don’t do things like she does. She doesn’t do things like I do. Being ok with both of those, and being grace-full enough to allow differences.  Developing patience could mean Slowing down before responding. Breathing. Thinking things through.

Kindness. The tendency is to lose our kindness over time because we become complacent, or take one another for granted. We move so fast through life that we forget the small kind things we could do for our spouse. Start with kind words (Never belittling or saying a negative word about them to their face, or behind their back).

Gentleness. When I think gentle, I think grace. Being able to give grace, because I have been given grace. Lowering expectations. Gentle doesn’t mean weak, or passive. I believe there is strength and power in being gentle – not forceful.

Faithfulness. Faithful in all areas. Mind. Soul. Body. Thoughts. We have a high bar to try and meet, because our God is faithful. Jesus was faithful all the way to death. That’s what we should strive to be.

Self Control. Not being selfish. Not demanding my own way. ‘Holy Spirit love,’ as our friend Doyle says, ‘is outward focused, not self focused.’ That means the fruit of the spirit has to be present for my self control to happen. I can only control myself with the help of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit has to help my spouse control themselves, because I am NOT the Holy Spirit!

Any of these resonate with you?

PS – Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

photo by Martin Kimeldorf

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we talked about:

Join us Friday night, Feb 10th at Windfarm Cafe in Spring Hill Tennessee…or online at Justin.tv/windfarmcafe

Date Nights are so 2011 from Nashville Marriage Studio

Valentines Ideas for Your Husband from Women Living Well

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We wanted to let you know that we will be speaking this Friday night, February 10th, at WindFarm Café in Spring Hill, Tennessee at 7 PM (CST).

If you are local, come enjoy some great coffee and listen as we share a bit about our story for Valentine’s Day!

If you can’t make it in person, you can WATCH ONLINE at www.justin.tv/windfarmcafe

Join us this Friday night! We’d love to meet you in person, or hear from you after our talk during the Questions and Answers session.

The address is 4821 Main St., Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

We look forward to seeing you there or online!

A little about WindFarm Cafe:

It’s a fantastic coffee bar, it’s a place for peace, hope and coffee. It’s a community of faith planted within a cafe called the Four Winds Mission, it’s a prototype and proving ground for launching more WindFarms around the world. It’s an outgrowth of one of the largest Christian communities in the world at www.dailyaudiobible.com

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we talked about:

We are Speaking at Windfarm Cafe in Spring Hill, TN. Friday Night, February 10th, 2012.

Please join us! In person: 4821 Main Street, Spring Hill TN 37174

or online http://www.justin.tv/windfarmcafe

They are a ministry of the Daily Audio Bible

Engaged Marriage – Natural Family Planning

Talk Money with Your Spouse And Learn How to Fix Your Relationship at the same time

Pursuing the Bucket List from My Marriage In Motion

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birth control pic via spentpenny

I have had that song from John Paul Young in my head for a couple days (Love is In the Air). We hope you are getting ready for a great Valentines Day 2012!

Here are our most read posts from January 2012:

10. Stupendous Marriage Show 30: Is Porn Cheating and What Happily Married People Know On This Show, we talked a bit about pornography in marriage, plus highlighted a post from Project Happily Ever After

9. How to Never Say No To Sex Again Have you ever considered a counter offer? You have to make good on your word though, or this doesn’t work.

8. Taking Offense: the Problems it Causes and How to Get Over it I have spent alot of time being offended by people – especially my wife. That’s no way to live life! If you are easily offended, or upset, perhaps this is right up your alley.

7. Marriage Fun for Valentine’s Day A couple cool contests and a fun idea for Valentines Day 2012!

6. 3 Phrases to Work Into Your Vocabulary If you need to clear the air in your marriage, here are 3 phrases that could help you out.

5. Wives Try This, Initiate Sex With Your Husband This post continues to be one of our most read. For ladies with a lower sex drive than your husband, perhaps you could consider this.

4. The Top 10 Marriage Blogs of 2011 Our most recent list of awesome marriage blogs from last year.

3. Husband Struggles when Sex is Absent from a Marriage This one rubbed a couple people the wrong way – saying that these struggles could also be a woman’s struggle too. Agreed! Read it let us know your thoughts.

2. 3 Ways to Initiate Sex with your Spouse For those who need a jump start with initiating physical intimacy with their spouse – here are 3 ideas for you.

1. Top 10 Blogs of 2010 Our top 10 Marriage Blogs from 2010!

Thank you for taking the time to read here at Stupendous Marriage! 

photo from Dreamstime

Are feelings the driving force? Or are they just signs to help you navigate?

If they are the driving force, there are going to be problems. Feelings are good INDICATORS not good drivers.

I know. I have spent lots of time acting based solely on my feelings. So, today’s post is not so much a “here’s what I know”, its more of a “here’s what I’m continuing to learn!”

Which feeling is it?

Feelings are funny. You can have three or four at the same time!

How do you know which one is right?

Example: My son falls off of his bike.

First feeling – Anxiousness. ‘Is he ok?’

Next – Frustration. ‘Why does he think he can ride down that hill so quickly, he just learned to ride without training wheels a month ago?

Third – Insecurity. ‘Am I a bad dad for not helping him enough?’

3 feelings nearly on top of one another.

Which do I choose?

If I land on the last one and act based on that, I beat myself up the rest of the day. If  I act on the middle one – I get frustrated at him. First one? I never let him ride his bike again.

All of those are silly extreme solutions.

I have to think and interpret the situation and act correctly based on principle and what I know. Not what I feel.

Feelings in Marriage

We start out with lots of feelings for one another. Over time those strong feelings change into something deeper, and hopefully, even stronger than just a need to feel tingly. But for some, when those lusty feelings subside, they think that they don’t love each other anymore.

Yes, I think you can keep some (maybe even lots) of the feelings alive. BUT, you can’t live by feelings alone.

Your relationship would be all over the place! Mad one minute, happy the next. Anxious, then Happy, Sad then lusty. That would be enough to drive a spouse crazy!

Thinking about Not Living in Your Feelings Alone

Here are some thoughts to help you get past always living by your feelings alone:
1. What do you know about the situation?

There is a great verse in Philippians 4 about thinking on the right, true, just, lovely commendable things in your life. If something is causing you to get frustrated, or if you have several emotions happen at the same time, Try to get back to the truth of the situation.

2. What do you know about the person?

Do they really want to hurt you? Why might they be acting the way they are? Are they hurting? Are they defending themselves? Are they just communicating poorly? Have they moved on to another topic, and not updated the conversation (leaving you back in the old conversation?)
3. Feelings follow actions.

Want to begin to change your feelings? Change your actions. I heard a great teaching recently that reminded me that the dude who wrote most of the Psalms (King David) spent lots of time praying, praising and singing when he was upset. This guy was being chased by his enemies asking God to kill them, while writing it down in song form. The Psalms are filled with references to praying, praising and singing when times are tough.  Maybe we should do the same.
4. What can you learn from the feelings you are having?

Before you do anything, ask yourself why you are having the feelings you are having? What brought this on? Did someone hurt you? Are you tired or lonely? Are you feeling distant from your spouse? Do you need to reconnect in a meaningful way? Before going down the emotion road, think about why you are having the feelings you are.

Do you operate mainly in your feelings?

photo by Thomas Hawk

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we talked about:

Is Porn Cheating?

What Happily Married People Know

The Bait of Satan(aff.link) – John Bevere

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It was the Tuesday after our son was born. Lisa was having ‘post-pregnancy issues’ – and decided to call her doctor to find out if what was going on with her body.

The nurse responded, “Let me call you back.” Shortly after that call, the nurse called again saying, “How long will it take you to get here? You should come NOW.”

In a panic, Lisa immediately called me, and I made a mad dash thru the office to let everyone know that we were headed back to the hospital.

I could tell by my Lisa’s mood that she was very tense about what could possibly be wrong with her. Her blood pressure was rising as we loaded up number one son into the new car seat. The drive to the hospital was not any longer than normal, yet, it felt like forever because we dreaded the possibility of another extended hospital stay.

Oh No You Didn’t

With kid in tow, we proceeded quickly to the third floor, and then sat in the waiting room for 15 minutes. Next, we shuffled to one of the doctors’ exam rooms.

The nurse said to a quite tense, more-than-slightly-agitated Lisa: ‘There’s nothing serious, but I’m so glad you could come quickly. The doctor has two deliveries that could be happening at anytime this afternoon and we wanted to squeeze you in beforehand, if we could.”

Needless to say, as relieved as I was, I also was really upset. We had both given up our day to rush to the hospital for what we thought was a medical emergency, only to find out it was a scheduling issue.

The Lesson?

Communicate clearly. If this nurse had explained to Lisa on the phone that, ‘the doctor was due to deliver two babies at anytime, and could she come now?’ she would have been a much happier camper. I would’ve been a much happier camper. Her heart rate wouldn’t have been racing. She wouldn’t have thought there was a huge emergency with her body.

It’s Easy to Communicate Poorly

Many times, I don’t give all the facts, or I don’t communicate them well. Lazy communication can make for bad communication – not just for spouses, but for life!

It makes no difference what I think I said if my wife doesn’t understand. It makes no difference what I said if she responds negatively to what she thought she heard me say.

Do you understand what I’m sayin’?

photo by mahr

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching… and we don’t want you to be left out in the cold. Sure, Valentine’s can seem like an overhyped, made up holiday so Hallmark can make their quota for the year. We get that.  BUT,  as a married couple, it’s an awesome time to Love Your Spouse Well.

If you haven’t done that in the past, you can begin the habit with this Valentine’s Day.

SIDE NOTE:

Lisa and I believe this is going to be a breakthrough year for lots of Married Couples. Maybe this is the encouragement you need. 2012 is still young and there is time to make amends and get going in a better direction. Perhaps this upcoming holiday can be helpful to you and your mate in refocusing and redirecting your current path.

Now Back to our regularly scheduled post:

Here are some fun things that you can participate in for Valentines Day…

1. Laura Brotherson at Strengthening Marriage is having a Couples Contest with a Twist. You take a picture with your spouse and Laura’s new book or e-book (And They Were Not Ashamed for Kindle affiliate link) and you could win a one night get away to an Anniversary Inn near you. Check her blog for details.

2. Rhonda Neely from Your Christian Marriage Restoration Station has put together a daily giveaway of marriage goodies beginning January 28th.  The website for you to sign up is Valentine Day Giveaway. We are a part of these giveaways, so if you haven’t purchased A Penny For Your Thoughts yet, you could win it there. You can find out more and get signed up for the emails here!

3. A fun date night for Valentines day? If you don’t mind packing the Zantac for dinner, you can think about having a fun date night at White Castle. Apparently, they have been doing this for six years at White Castles across the country. They offer full service sliders with red table covers, a photo and dessert. This is right up my ‘silly’ alley. I don’t think Lisa will go for it though. You do have to call ahead for reservations.

**LATE ADDITION**

4. Scott over at Journey to Surrender let me know that he is also having a very cool Valentine’s Day Giveaway – a $75.00 Dinner for Two! There are lots of ways to win – so make sure you hook up over there and get in his drawing!

Are you thinking about Valentine’s Day yet? Leave us a comment to let us know!

photo from qthomasbower

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we talked about:

Getting to Know Your Spouse - from Encourage Your Spouse

Marriage = Happy - from Husband, a User’s Guide

The Marriage Triangle - Apparently, I heard it from Ed Young, not Gary Smalley. Go Figure!

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a guest post from Alex Johnson

Marriage is a big deal – I know this because about a year ago I did it myself, and chances are that you have too, or if not you probably will. Sadly however, the number of marriages is decreasing and the number of divorces is on the rise, so much so that various scientists now reckon if you get married today there is almost a 50% chance of it ending in divorce.

Now, if like me, you still believe in marriage and truly want yours to be in that other 50%, there is plenty you can do to make that happen. I know that I am just a learner myself, but in the hope that is helps someone else out there, here is what I have learned so far:

There is no honeymoon period

Most people think of the honeymoon period as being that first few months, or years maybe where everything is always peachy and nice; before boredom or complacency set in. To me this is a bit of a cop out – my wife and I have been together a long time and we could easily have labelled those first few years as the honeymoon period, but what I have learned is that if you work hard your “honeymoon” doesn’t really need to end – it only ends when you let complacency set in.

Everything and nothing changes

In some ways marriage is a big change, you will likely be moving in together for the first time, everything is finally official and if you are female you even get a new sir name! Ok, so if we’re honest, in the majority of cases very little really changes, and that is the way it should be – you are still a couple who are very much in love and you still want to be together forever. Just because you are married that doesn’t mean everything has to feel ‘serious’ and ‘mature’! Make sure that you keep your relationship youthful and fun.

The one thing that has changed though is the fact that you have made a commitment to one another and actually promised to give and receive your love no matter what. This promise seems easy to keep right now, but remembering to stay true to that promise every single day is what will set the tone for the next 60+ years.

Remember the good times and don’t dwell on the bad

Every couple no matter how perfect will have fall outs. The point of being married is that you have the ability to make one another happy. Learning to remember this point even when times are hard is the best way you can keep the good times coming back.

Ok, again I only have a year under my belt, and times haven’t ever been all that bad – but my wife and I try to make the effort regularly to reminisce together about all the great memories we have made and think about; this is a great way to remind yourselves why you tied the knot in the first place and make all of those little day to day stresses seem just plain insignificant.

AlexJohnson is with Passionsearch, an online dating website. He’s a romantic who just loves to talk about relationships, weddingy stuff and finding love!

photo from dreamstime

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s what we talked about on the show:

Couples benefit from Friendships with Other Couples

A Sincere Apology from The Dating Divas

3 Phrases to Work Into Your Vocabulary When Communication is Bumpy

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Sorry via freedigitalphotos

Communication is a huge piece of our marriages. Let alone our lives.

Sometimes it’s difficult to take responsibility when communication breaks down. But I have heard it said that the most spiritually mature person, is the one who leans in to reconcile first.

Here are 3 phrases to help you in your reconciliation with your spouse:

(Quick note: these phrases are not to be used sarcastically – that could be detrimental!)

I could be wrong…

Pride wants to keep us from admitting when we have messed up. Even IF we AREN’T wrong, and we KNOW we aren’t wrong, this phrase can be useful to help begin building toward a better outcome in our conversations.

I’m Sorry…

Usually this is a good one to tack on to a SPECIFIC thing that you are sorry for (‘I am sorry that I forgot to deposit the check before the withdrawal came out’ – can you tell I’ve used this one?). Don’t use this one to manipulate your spouse (‘I’m sorry that you can’t get over it’). That’s not an apology, that’s guilting them into feeling a certain way. Your ‘sorry’ has to be honest and heartfelt, and it has to be in regards to the thing that you have done to cause harm.

Let me make sure I understood you…

Sometimes you can miss what was said completely. Maybe you weren’t paying attention, or something your spouse said didn’t make sense. This is a good phrase to use when you are trying to use the Mirroring technique to show that you are authentically trying to understand your spouse.

What phrase would you like to introduce into your marriage? Leave us a comment, we’d love to hear from you.

Not too long ago, I took a business trip to Atlanta. The plan was for it to be a quick two day getaway for the beautiful wife and I, plus do some work while I was there. (5% work, 95% enjoy each other.)

Well, as providence would have it, schedules changed and kid sitters weren’t available like we thought they were going to be. I had to make the trip alone. It was a much shorter trip (I didn’t stay two days, just made it a day trip), and a positive was that we didn’t have to spend a ton of money! (we would have spent more if we stayed the night and hung out in Atlanta together).

Needless to say, I was upset. And I held a grudge against my wife. Our plans changed and I felt I got the short end of the stick. But there wasn’t anything she could have done to change it.

This is something I struggle with in a big way – I get in a funk, and sometimes it takes me hours (and sometimes days) to get out of said ‘funk’.

I allowed myself to become upset, and stay there for more than a week. It caused distance and distress and I just felt out of touch with our relationship. We really didn’t fight during that time, but I knew I was different, and it could have spiraled into greater resentment and bitterness if I didn’t change what was going on.

Do you Struggle with Taking Offense in Your Marriage?

How much time do you spend being upset at your spouse because you didn’t get your way? What would happen if you didn’t allow yourself to go there? What if you stopped and said – ‘Why am I getting mad about this?’

What would have happened if I didn’t allow myself to be offended?

The Bible actually says in 1 Corinthians 13 That love doesn’t insist on its own way. Being selfish isn’t love. Its selfishness.
How much could we love if we wouldn’t insist on our own way – and actually gave a little bit, and didn’t expect the world to revolve around us.

Actions to take

Here are some of the things that I did to help get over this offense.

1. Prayer. I spent time talking to God about why I was upset. It seemed like I couldn’t shake it, so I needed to give it to someone who could handle it!
2. I called some friends who I can trust. I have a handful of guys I can call when things get wonky. I think everyone should have a group they can call to help them sort things out and give godly counsel!
3. I talked with my wife about it. I held it in too long. I needed to talk about it with her quicker than I did – and allowed myself to be upset on the trip and in our communication. It actually took me 10 days before I said anything. That needs to happen faster in the future!
4. I apologized for holding a grudge. Even though we didn’t have any big arguments, there was still clunkiness going on, so I took responsibility for the weirdness. I asked for forgiveness, and acknowledged the fact she couldn’t change the situation even if she wanted to. (Guess what? She acknowledged my feelings and said she was also sorry that I spent time being upset!)
5. I realized what happened, thought about it, and learned from it. Here’s the kicker. Many times situations go by and we just let them go. Then, another situation comes up and the same thing happens again. I suggest to you, that when you come to the other side of a rough spot – you need to take the time to think about what happened and why it happened. Then, think about how to do it differently in the future.

Is this something you struggle with in your marriage? Leave us a comment and let us know!

photo from dreamstime

Gotcha.

Today’s post is a trick post. Lots of married people come here looking for the next thing they can do to love their spouse better.

While I think reading information about marriage can be helpful, I also think you could be using it as an excuse not to do anything.

You know what to do

If you think about it, you can come up with 3 things that will show love to your spouse.

I’m not even going to give you examples today because you know what would show your spouse love!!

You know what your spouse likes, wants and desires. You know them better than most people on the planet.

The problem isn’t that you don’t know what to do.

The problem is that YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THEM.

There can be various reasons why you don’t want to do them:

* They dont deserve it!
* What have they done for me lately?
* Why should I be the one who shows love?
* Can’t they do something first?
* I don’t want to!

See how selfish we can be?

3 Things

Quickly think of three things that would make your spouses day. They should show that you love, care, and know them well.

Now, the real challenge:

DO THEM.

**Leave us a comment if you REALLY can’t come up with anything! We’ll help.**

photo from dreamstime

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

What we Talked about:

SMS is on Facebook now! Stupendous Marriage Show on Facebook

Email from J at Hot,Holy, and Humorous!

Advice for the Bride from Happy Wives Club

Sex as a key to a happy retirement

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Perhaps the reason for so many divorces is the lack of ‘why‘ in our marriages.

I believe that we focus so much on the Who, What, When, Where and How, we forget WHY.

Who am I going to marry? Who is attractive today? When will they love me? When will I get
my way? When will they do what I want them to? When are we going to have sex again? What are they thinking? What does that mean? Where is she/he? How are we going to do this? How will we ever get back those sexy feelings?

We run our marriages like we’re running a newspaper. We have to get all the facts and details about everything and we forget WHY we got into the thing in the first place.

Why Did You Get Married and Why Do You Stay Married?

Maybe a couple of these Why‘s might resonate with you:

1. To give yourself to someone for the rest of your life.

2. To be committed in good times and hard times to this person.

3. So I can enjoy life with another person.

4. So we can have sex. (I had to throw that one in)

5. So we can have a family.

6. I made a commitment to this person for life.

7. I am a person of my word.

8. Love is more than a feeling. Its action.

9. To impact the world with my relationship. (Ever thought about that one?)

10. Because marriage is a covenant. A covenant is when one person gives themself to another person without regard to theother persons actions.

I’ve written about it before – What you believe is how you behave.

If you have never thought about the WHY of your marriage, you are being led by your WHAT. Or your WHEN. Or Your HOW. Or your WHO.

You need to have a good why, because if you know WHY, you will act out of what you believe about that WHY.

photo by BrittanyG

This is a post that you don’t want to read. It’s could hurt a little bit. But I do hope it encourages you and lets you in on what might be going on in your marriage.

I am going to let you in on some man stuff that you might not realize might be going on if you aren’t having consistent sex with your spouse. You may have never had conversations about this stuff, you might not know it, or be in denial about it. So, I want to pass this along so you can be aware, encouraged, and proactive.

The things I am going to pass along to you are mainly guy issues. While I do think that women also struggle with these things, today I’m talking specifically about what the husband might be struggling with.

As husbands, we want you (our wives) beside us cheering us on. We want you to love us and know who we are. We want you to be the women of our dreams and we want to love you as best we can. And yes, we want to have sex with you.

So, let’s get it out there.

Wives – here are some “man things” that your husband might be struggling with if he isn’t having consistent sex with you.

A desire to remain faithful

Ladies, your husband wants to be your husband. He loves you and desires your affections. That’s why he married you. If you withhold yourself from him, it can become a struggle. He wants you to be the woman he dreams about and fantasizes about, yet if the only thing you give him is a list of things to do, a list of things he did wrong, and the cold shoulder, unfortunately, the nice lady at the office who listens and cares seems very interesting to him. I’m not saying he is going there. I’m saying that is a door the devil could walk through.

Lusting

Lust is primarily a heart issue. Jesus pointed that out when he taught about our thoughts – even if you think about another woman – that’s like you have already slept with her. (Matt. 5:28) Our culture is driven by lust. And it’s not just physical lust. Lust for everything. You deserve this – you want that, you should have it, nothing should stop you from having it all…these are the messages we get daily — If not several hundred times daily. Sadly, we have been sold a raw deal about lust. Lust is selfish. But when we aren’t having consistent sex,  some men do turn to other places to eject out of their realities and pretend/imagine/fantasize about what could be happening with someone else.

Pornography

We live in a pornified society. If your husband hasn’t initiated for quite some, he might be lost in the false intimacy of pornography. It’s a false representation of something that should be between a husband and wife. Yet, thousands of men fall into this trap. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is something that your husband needs to work on for himself. But if his bent is toward pornography, having less real sex could be a stumbling block for him.

Masturbation

Masturbation usually accompanies a porn or lust addiction. Fantasy becomes easier to access than the real thing. If a man has problems initiating sex; feels threatened about initiating; gets no much more than yes; feels demeaned or less than a man, taking his needs “into his own hands” becomes an easy out. Sadly, it jeopardizes your relationship because it gives him less of a drive to be intimate with you.

Extra Marital Affairs

Sadly, if a sexual need or desire isn’t met at home, and someone outside of the marriage is open, engaging and interested, this snare can trap all too easily.

I am NOT JUSTIFYING ANY OF THESE BEHAVIORS. They are all problems, and they need to be honestly addressed by husbands before they become a problem. I do want you to know the paths that many marriages have taken when sex is absent.

I don’t know how to express this gently, so I am just going to write it – and forgive me if it is insensitive. If you are withholding sex, you are allowing the devil to use you to pull your marriage apart.

Harsh.

Simple.

True.

Sex is one of the primary ways men like to receive love. It’s how we are wired.

Studies show that whenever women and men are surveyed about what they desire most from their spouse, Men rate SEX as number 1. Sex is always somewhere lower on the list for a woman.

You Are to Be His Outlet for Sex

Sexual love is the only type of love that you can have ONLY with your spouse.

Read that again – it’s important.

There are other types of love…Affectionate love –  Friendship love –  Committed love – But guess what –  all of those can be given to other people. Good friends, relatives, co-workers…etc.

Sexual Love is only given between a husband and a wife. (At least that’s how it is used to be – right?)

If you just have the three, without the important fourth (God uses SEX as the determining factor for marriage!) You’re at best, good friends, or at worst, roommates passing in the night.

I want to write it again, because I want you to get it.

Sexual love is for marriage.

You are the only outlet your spouse is supposed to have for sex.

We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments on these points from todays article!

photo courtesy freedigitalphotos

Here’s the question we’d love your input on:

What other information or entertainment do you, or would you, like to hear in podcast form?

The Stupendous Marriage Show is our first weekly micro broadcast from the Stupendous Life Network. If you click that link, you will see that we have produced one other microcast – the DJ Devo, and have had thoughts for another.

BUT

We want to hear what would encourage you – or what would help you in your life.

It could be specifically about marriage (a topic we haven’t covered yet on the Stupendous Marriage Show) or something completely unrelated that might make a great show on its own (couponing or tips for parents or underwater basket weaving,  for example).

Would you take a second and leave us a comment below? We want to create something that you really would like, need or enjoy.

Thanks!

photo from freedigitalphotos

Happy New Year! We hope that you had a great Holiday Season and are ready to kick off 2012 with a bang!

Here are our most read posts from December 2011:

10. How to Be a Proverbs 31 Husband - Proverbs 31 talks mainly about a Godly Wife/Woman, but does mention her husband a couple times. What can we learn from those mentions?

9. Stupendous Marriage Show 23: What if it is All Gods, and Nookie at the Inlaws - We talked about Reframing our thoughts on our “stuff”. What if everything truly is Gods…we also talked about having sex while traveling for the holidays.

8. Don’t Overlook this Important Relationship Building Time - A Guest post from Matthew French-Holt about taking advantage of chore time!

7. 2 Keys to Unlocking a Better Marriage - Thoughts from another article called 20 ideas for a better marriage.

6. Give Your Spouse These Gifts All Year Long - What can we do to show love all year to our spouses?

5. Stupendous Marriage Show 22: Orgasms Porn and Football - Don’t let the title scare you, this was a good episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

4. 3 Ways: To Initiate Sex with Your Spouse - Still one of the most read articles every month here!

3. Top 10 Marriage BLogs of 2010 - No surprise that this was one of our top posts this month, with our current list being published in the beginning of December.

2. Vote For Your Favorite Marriage Blogs of 2011 - This post includes the Finalists for the Top 10 Marriage Blog list of 2011 (It’s also our most visited post for 2011) Nearly 50 great marriage blogs are listed here for you to check out.

1. The Top 10 Marriage Blogs of 2011 - By your votes – this list includes the favorite marriage sites of 2011.

The Generous Wife 2011 Grow Your Marriage Awards

Also, I wanted to mention that we have been acknowledged by Lori at the Generous Wife as a site that helps grow your marriage!

We are excited and humbled to be a part of her list! Make sure you click over and see the other great sites there.

photo courtesy freedigitalphotos

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Here’s What We Talked about:

Save on your Wedding – Have Multiple Weddings on One Day!

7 Goals to Set Today from Engaged Marriage

The Power of Goals from Dan Miller (Worksheets)

Goal Ladder

Chris Brogan’s 3 Words

We have a new email: ONAIR  @  STUPENDOUSMARRIAGE.COM

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As we come to celebrate this Christmas season, my thoughts turn towards stories…Traditions… family and friends who we share life with …what did we celebrate when we were kids, how do we celebrate now, how has that changed (which house, What time, which days are you available…) and how it has grown from a handful to a clan….there are stories of planes almost missed, Christmases missed or shortened, celebrated in different homes and the struggles of snow and ice to get to the destination,  stuggles of the right gift,  struggles of this and that…and gifts. Gifts are definately part of our story.

Author Barbara Winter says that…“People who spend their lives acquiring things, rather than acquiring experiences, have fewer interesting stories to tell perhaps, but stories are the ultimate connector. They’re important in families, in friendships and in business. Stories add the human touch in a high tech world. “

The story we remember this time of year was one of struggle. The pictures we see and the plastic figures in peoples yards we see make it look clean and beautiful…but what was the struggle of a baby was born in a shed… In a box…. With no doctor…. Surrounded by animal poop.

Can you smell the barn? It was dirty… messy, they were outside in the cold. Smelly from travelling. I took part in my sons birth in the hospital — not the cleanest thing in the world…and this definitely was NOT a hospital.

The mom, pregnant outside of marriage. The dad to be – confused and scared. The shepherds running and screaming thru the town. Kings who show up bringing overwhelming gifts.

Where exactly do you put gold in a barn? “Thank you! Let me sit this over here, by the cow.”

But what of the gift that was given that night? He would grow up to say to a woman who struggled to stay with her husband.. “Hey – you’re forgiven”. He hung out with people who all had their own “stories”. Lower class, poor, prostitues, bottom of the barrel. These were not the “beautiful people” of that day and age. And if you read the lineage of this Jesus (Matthew 1) you’ll notice his family line was full of that sort of people too.

As we share our stories, our gifts, and think about the struggles of this year, we have to remember the one story that began so many years ago, and continues forward to this day. I heard it said once that ‘the best thing about the Bible is not that it happened…but that it happens.” We see our stories in the pages. That’s why it’s so powerful.

Some of the best stories come thru struggles. Those who have had to fight to survive and thrive. Who were not living in the lap of luxury, but busting their tails to make ends meet…thru struggle comes the best innovation. And during this time of Struggle, maybe we too should take time to be thankful for the things we have. Don’t forget the struggle, but Let the struggle shape us.

“May the humility of the shepherds,
the perseverance of the wise men,
the joy of the angels,
and the peace of the Christ Child
be God’s gifts to you and yours
this Christmastime and always.” 

Merry Christmas to you and your family – we hope it is a wonderful time for you!
We won’t be posting much over the next couple days – but we do plan on having a new Stupendous Marriage Show before the New Year! We pray your marriage and family is blessed during this season!

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

What we talked about:

***Also Happy Hanukkah…which I left out. – stu

Mr. Fun and Ms. Religious Marry and Try to Celebrate Christmas - Celebrating Christmas as a newly married couple!

But.

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Stuff We Talked About:

A Penny For Your Thoughts - Questions to ask your Spouse!

Washington Post article about Marriage At An All time Low

Assume Love - a Top 10 Marriage Blog for 2011

Should I be Mad at My Mate?

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What if there was a tool to help start great conversations in your marriage?

(And it cost less than a buck?)

Introducing: ‘A Penny For Your Thoughts’

A Penny for Your Thoughts is a new marriage resource for couples to start great conversations with one another!

As a married couple, it can be so easy to get into old communication habits, and never learn anything new about one another. Do you want to break the habit but don’t know where to start? This NEW resource is just for you.

And we’ve already done all the work! All you have to do is look through the questions and decide what you want to ask your spouse.

What You’ll Find in ‘A Penny For Your Thoughts’

The Husband and Wife editions of A Penny For Your Thoughts each contain 99 questions you can ask your spouse. Ranging from family history to movies to music to sex.

Questions like:

How can I show you respect?
What are your hidden talents I don’t know about?
What is your favorite Psalm? Why does it have significance to you?
What do you find risqué?

You decide which question to ask first and then enjoy the conversation!

Purchase the husband and wife versions separately, or both together. (Getting them both will still be under $2!)

99 Questions to ask your Husband – 99 cents: 
99 Questions to ask your Wife – 99 cents: 
Both Versions Together (198 Questions):

Life truly is a boomerang. What you give, you get. – Dale Carnegie

Give love unconditionally.
Give time generously.
Give attention intentionally.
Give affection lavishly.
Give your heart willingly.
Give your mind freely.
Give your body unreservedly.

Photo from Paleontour

Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the LORD. And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The LORD looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor.  So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”
Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.
Then the LORD said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
The LORD said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.” Genesis 4:2-12

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This story recently came to my attention again during some Bible reading. I wanted to look at it with a marriage focus.

Cain is a farmer. Abel is a shepherd. God doesn’t accept Cain’s offering, but takes Abel’s. Cain gets mad, and then kills Abel.

There are lots of things here we could talk about, but what I want to focus on is Blame.

Blame Misplaced

When Cain presents something that isn’t what God desired – Cain got angry, then took it out on his brother.

Misplaced blame. Abel didn’t do anything wrong. And Abel could have helped his brother.

What if Cain asked…’Hey Bro – how do I raise sheep?’ ‘Hey Bro, can you make an offering for me to?’ ‘Hey Bro, what do you think I should do here in this situation?’

Instead – he hacked him up.

Blaming the Wrong Person

Cain had three potential people he could have been angry with – God, Abel or…Himself. I think the first two are EASY to target.

Blame God – You cant see him, you can push him away, stop praying, stop getting in the Bible, stop going to Church,  stop having friends who hold you accountable…and voila – God doesn’t have a presence in your life.

Blame another person – Look what they did! Why did they get favored? He likes him better than me…other silly, untrue thoughts can bubble up here, and get you in a world of trouble. But it completely keeps you from looking at yourself and taking a real inventory of what is going on.

The 3rd option? Thats one we don’t go to as much:

Blame yourself. Maybe I shouldn’t call it blame. Maybe it should just be:

Taking responsibility for your actions.

Some questions Cain could have asked, and you can too:

Before you play the ‘blame game’, can you slow down enough to ask some questions?

• What did I do wrong?
• How can I make it better?
• Where did I miss the mark?
• When did I miss it?
• Can I restore peace and rightness to this relationship?

When it seems that you are getting the short end of the stick, or someone else does it right and you have done it not so right…don’t lash out at them, or God…look at yourself…take time to think it thru.

Does this resonate with you at all?

I was reading a great post at SimpletoRemember.com called 20 Key Ideas for a Happy Marriage.

The article is full of great ideas, you should take a minute to read it – Here are 2 of my favorites:

6. Before speaking, clarify the outcome you want. The meaning of your communication is the response you actually get. If the first thing you say is not achieving your goal, change your approach. Remember that mutual respect and happiness is your real goal. Do not needlessly argue. Silence is often the wisest choice. Constantly be mutually respectful.

11. Give up unrealistic expectations. Do not expect your spouse to be perfect and do not make comparisons.

As I began thinking, I wanted to add another 2 Keys to unlock a better marriage:

1. Take on problems together as a team. Life is more difficult when you are at odds with your spouse. When you approach difficulties from the same direction, you can move together to solve issues much easier.

2. Talk, Plan, Dream and Pray about your future together. Having a long term vision for where you want to be, who you want to be and how you want to get there give you goals to shoot for in your marriage.

What are your Keys for a Happy Marriage? We’d love to hear them in the comments below!

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Welcome to this episode of the Stupendous Marriage Show!

Stuff we talked about:

The Top 10 Marriage Blogs of 2011 - Great Marriage Blogs!

Money and Marriage Gods Way- Howard Dayton aff link

My Wife is Not My Friend on Facebook - Interesting Perspective on your wife being your friend in the social media space

Sex at the Inlaws - Weird or not? You decide.

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today’s post is from fellow writer Lori Lowe…her new book is available today!

What does the word “love” evoke in your mind? Is it your love affair with cheesecake or warm chocolate pudding? Or an image of you and your sweetie having an afternoon picnic? When you were a child, you probably loved your teddy bear or your parents. As you grow older, your understanding of love should grow and evolve, just like your understanding of everything else. Too often, we have a shallow understanding of love, concluding as long as two people make each other happy, that’s love.

Love has lots of definitions. The most common are 1) a deep feeling of affection or attachment, 2) sexual affection or 3) a strong liking or predilection for something.

I would suggest that none of these definitions encompasses what mature love involves. In my interviews with long-time married couples, their view of love is not the fly-by-night romantic view. You might be surprised to learn the romance and affection is still there even for older couples, but there is something much more, something that happened along the way to make the love richer and more permanent.

What these mature couples have developed is a view that love is an action—a decision—not a feeling. The fact that they have been married a long time doesn’t mean they didn’t face serious obstacles. What it means is that they found a way through the obstacles. They didn’t always feel loving toward one another, but they decided to love anyway. One couple who faced tremendous difficulties including a marital affair early in their marriage, talked about how this decision to love one another changed their perspective. They found that if they led with loving actions, their feelings soon followed. In other words, after they started acting lovingly, they felt more in love. They transformed their entire marriage more than 30 years ago to an extraordinarily loving one that continues today.

Anyone who has children knows that children don’t always act in ways that deserve love, but good parents decide to love them anyway. You can’t say you love your children while you neglect them. Similarly, you can’t say you love your spouse if you neglect him or her and refuse to act in a loving manner when your spouse doesn’t “deserve” it. For example, if your spouse is having a bad day, do you contribute to it, or do you provide encouragement? If you’re having an argument, do you sometimes choose to give in, or do you dig in your heels?

The bottom line is that you have to decide whom to love and how to love. Use your behavior and choices to lead your feelings, rather than allowing your daily feelings to determine your behavior. That’s mature love.

Lori Lowe’s new book ‘First Kiss to Lasting Bliss‘ is available today. She’s also giving away 7 great marriage resources for free when you grab your copy!

Christmas season is here.

This past weekend we went to two different Christmas parties and spent the evenings talking to people about Their lives, families and God.

Sometimes, though, you don’t have a party to spur conversations with your spouse.

Sure, I think that the end of the year could lead to good conversations between you and your spouse – especially if you need to think about how to manage your visit with the inlaws, or you want to think about your goals for the new year.

BUT.

Sometimes that conversational well that you used to draw from can seem to dry up.

It happens.

If you’re in that boat, Lisa and I are working on a resource just for you.

If all the old conversations are just blah, needing a jump start, or are simply non-existent?

We hear ya.

Over here in the Stupendous Marriage Labs (a cool name for our family room), we’ve been working on a resource that will help married couples start a good conversation.

There’s one specifically for husbands, and one for wives.

We’ll let you know more about it in a few days.

It’ll be here in time for Christmas.

So, maybe, if you travel over the river and through the woods, instead of staring at the cold dead trees out the window, you could be connecting with your spouse again.

That sounds like a better plan to me!

A Penny For Your Thoughts – Conversation Starters for Married Couples is Available Now!!

photo from mrhayata

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.  Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. – Ecc. 4:9-12

Our son was a mess all day long. He woke up cranky and continued to throw around attitude — yelling and screaming.  He’d be ok for a handful of minutes and then be right back to defying me. I probably didn’t handle it as well as I should have. When he sticks out his bottom lip and gives the evil eyebrow, its like this silent battle of will and someone has to give. He is bound and determined that it won’t be him.

After a time out my beautiful wife explained to him that it was possible to call Santa Claus and ask him to not bring presents to our house.

I was taken aback. I tried to remember if my parents ever told me that. Probably so, but I never thought I’d be a parent who would actually threaten with ‘no Santa’.  That threat worked for a bit, but didn’t last long.

We made it to the mall for a last minute sale when He then decided to call me ‘stupid’.

Stupid is one of those words for me. If its thrown in my direction, I quickly get upset, or angry.

The interesting thing was that I didn’t hear him say it. But Lisa did. She took our son by the hand and took him outside. I understood something he said must have been bad, but I didn’t’ know what.

When they returned, he had red eyes and an apology. Mom says “You need to tell Dad your sorry”. “Sorry Daddy”. “What did you call Daddy?” “Stupid”. “And what did I tell you would happen if we use that word?” “I don’t’ know.”

I was trying to follow the conversation between the two of them, then she says, “We don’t say stupid, if we do, the next time we get a time out and will be grounded from TV or our toys.” Wow. Nice to know that my wife has my back! That whole ‘losing toy privileges’ hit a chord with him.

I know we have lots to learn as parents. Yet, I also know that need to be on the same page. When Lisa throws out the Grounding idea, I need to nod in agreement, even if we talk about it later (out of earshot of the cool kiddo.)

Its good to have someone to share the joys of parenting.

Photo by freedigitalphotos