Why I Don’t Initiate Sex With my Wife More Often
I’ll come right out and say it.
I have issues with asking for “intimacy” with my Beautiful Wife™.
I fear the big “R” word: Rejection
As a husband, many times, when I desire to be with her mono-a-mono, I either:
1. Get more “touchy feely” during the day, or,
2. Make more “flirtatious” comments.
Apparently these just don’t quite cut it compared to the direct – “Hey wanna go roll around together in the bed, Clothing optional?”
Many times I never get that far because I fear the answer to this question:
What if she says No?
With my history (you can read about that here ), I have a tendency to want immediate positive response.
With a real, flesh and blood human being, you don’t always g-e-t that positive response. When that happens, unfortunately, I lean towards not initiating intimacy with my wife.
The crazy thing: I want to be intimate with her. (Actually, its not crazy that I want to be intimate with her. Its crazy that I won’t initiate intimacy.)
On my short list of “Favorite Things To Do in the World” – Sex with my wife has to be like Number 1 or Number 2.
But that ‘rejection thing’ keeps me from asking.
It’s time to have a better marriage and better sex life by getting past this mental roadblock.
Why My Fear of Rejection Makes No Sense
1. She’s my wife – she’s with me for the long haul on this marriage journey.
She said “I do” six years ago. We’re in this thing together. If I am going to pursue anyone it should be my Beautiful Wife™. Here’s the kicker: If she says NO tonight, guess what, I will still be sleeping next to her tomorrow night! I can ask again!!!
I need to think of myself like a great home run hitter in baseball. They strike out much more than they actually knock one over the fence! Hopefully my odds are better.
2. She enjoys the S-E-X. WOO HOO!
I have been blessed with a woman who enjoys having sex. This is terrific. I should keep this in mind when she says NO on certain occasions. There could be other reasons for her denial other than not ‘enjoying’ herself. I should ask more questions – find out where her mind is…and if I can offer an ear to listen! My wife wants me to initiate sex, but she also deserves an opportunity to explain why she isn’t in the mood!
3. She likes when I am happy.
My wife is my biggest fan. She loves when I am happy. Rolling amongst sheets together with her makes me happy. Following this line of thought, this, in turn, would make her happy. Happy Wife. Happy Husband. Happy Marriage.
4. There is always tomorrow if we can’t be intimate right now
Thank You #1!
5. There are several forms of intimacy that we can enjoy. Everything doesn’t always have to be about the S-E-X
I have written about different types of intimacy on Stupendous Marriage before, but I can say it again… Different types of intimacy are great. And they can lead to S-E-X. When you feel emotionally closer with one another, it can result in desiring each other physically. But it is not a requirement. Sex should begin with a desire to be with one another and share each other physically. It should not stem from a “I have to do this – requirement” mind set.
What Keeps YOU from Initiating Sex in your Marriage?
Is it a fear of rejection, or something else completely? When it comes to initiating sex with my wife, this is my particular hang up, but I would love to hear what other couples deal with when it comes to initiating sex in marriage.
Give me your reasons for not initiating sex in your marriage in the comments below!
Photos by amydeanne, morgantepsic & kristin and adam
Stu & Lisa have been married 8 years (together 11) and have a heart to encourage couples in their marriages. They live in Middle Tennessee, have an awesome 6 year old, and a mutt named 'Boo'.
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
I loved your post. I think it is good that you don’t let resent in, and that you honor the fact that she has days when her head just isn’t in it. It is also great, that you recognize the other forms of intimacy.
Tip from a wife’s view: Be careful with this one…
>”when I desire to be with her mono-a-mono, I either:
1. Get more “touchy feely” during the day, or,
2. Make more “flirtatious” comments.<
ME: I did notice you said “more,” but for the guys who didn’t notice the “more”…
It helps if you make her feel atractive even when you do not have “an ulterior motive.” Most women love touchy feely, and being flirted with helps us feel atractive.
A woman hates it when she can be almost ignored for days on end until he “wants something” from her. It becomes easy to see the correlation and think, “Attention means he wants sex. It doesn’t mean he loves me or finds me beautiful. It is just his hormones he is reacting to, not me.” (Yes, there’s an enemy on the shoulder of most women whispering lies into her ear. It is hard to beleive we are beautiful with strech marks and mature bodies when the world is constantly bombarding us with fassion models and diet and Botox ads.)
Even if you give her other kinds of attention that says, “I love you,” like washing her car or bringing her flowers, it is best to say, “You are beautiful and I love to touch you,” with body contact and flirting, even when you are not aiming for sex. This keeps her girly mojo closer to the surface reminding her body that she is a desirable wife all the time. Then she knows you love her for more than the meals she cooks and the children she bore… that she is still attractive.
It is great to be loved, but being loved and feeling attractive is so much better. Guys, tell her she is beautiful every chance you get.
This is the most perfect description of a woman's point of view I could ever imagine reading!! Thank you for stating that so candidly. I live this exact feeling daily, "Attraction means sex, it does not me he finds me beautiful. It's just his hormones he is reacting to." This is so disheartening for a woman. We desperately long to be desired and pursued. Just as we desperately long to meet our husband's sexual needs and desires. I love sex, and I am always available! But I truly would like to be hotly pursued! Just do it guys!
Thanks for the comment!~ Nike was on to something weren't they?
Great points Robin. On the other hand I think some women are just not comfortable with sex (for a number of reasons), even with her husband. It could be of how she was raised-she didn't have a good example of intimacy, guilt from activities in her past-I'll leave that the readers imagination, and so on.
Despite loving her husband, she mentally is having issues coming out of the rut that she is in which interferes with her expressing her love toward her husband with sex. I have seen women overcome this hurdle with counseling and sometimes just being painfully honest with themselves then becoming more active in their thought process towards sex.
Working with a woman through this kind of sexual barrier can really deepen and enhance a relationship because of the trust and patience that it takes to deal with such an issue. This can lead to the best sex in the world because in her mind her spouse loved her "for better or for worse" (worse being little to no sex!).
Heyy!
You’re welcome! (giggle) GOOD for you for inviting The Beautiful Wife to enjoy The Sacred Naked with you.
What keeps me from having is in part rejection:
For the last 6 months, this department has been non-existent. I have tried conversations, I have tried initiation (which is all the time) … which leads to more rejection.
Your logic of trying the next day is fine, but for 6 months of trying the next day … it just gets old, and you give up on trying, initiating, and discussing what’s wrong how can we make it better.
I am tired of the excuses from her. Clearly, this one department has left me bitter. I cook, clean, talk to her, and have great conversations … but when this department arises and rejection occurs yet again … bitterness just comes right into the bedroom and I just go for a walk and enjoy nature.
At least nature, does not reject me for 6 months.
Thanks for the comment.
It sounds like you are in a frustrating situation. You mentioned that you have discussed with her what might be going on on her side. I would be interested to hear what what she had to say. You mention ‘excuses’…and after 6 months I would understand that everything to dodge sex would seem like an excuse.
It sounds like there is a bigger issue at play – if you have discussed your feelings openly…if you haven’t made it clear that this situation is making you bitter – that would be a good discussion starter.
I admire your upbeat attitude, you have a very lucky wife. My personal experience has been more similar to Xander above. Additionally, I have found that ‘taking the initiative’ can lead to further negativity/uncomfortableness/guilt on her part. I have taken the ‘let her come to me’ stance at this point – no, not my favorite option, but given that it is the least worst it is the most palatable. I remain as up beat as a can around her, (and I do a reasonable job – I’m not an ass,) and try to find activities that are positive for me, regardless what she is doing/feeling, (or not doing/not feeling.) But does it sting every day when I know that this smart, beautiful woman wants nothing to do with me sexually? Damn right it does…
Hey Sam – Thanks for commenting.
This seems to be a big issue.
Once again – I would love to hear what your wife says the reasons are behind the failed attempts.
The issue is hardly ever the issue. Something, somewhere between the two of you are pushing buttons that cause her to batten down the hatches and feel negative-uncomfortable-or guilty…I don’t know what that is…
What communication is happening outside the bedroom…when you both aren’t in the mood? Are you talking aobut sex…when you aren’t trying to initiate sex? Are you talking about desires between the two of you?
You say you wait until she comes to you…how often does that happen?
Hey Sam – Thanks for commenting.
This seems to be a big issue.
Once again – I would love to hear what your wife says the reasons are behind the failed attempts.
The issue is hardly ever the issue. Something, somewhere between the two of you are pushing buttons that cause her to batten down the hatches and feel negative-uncomfortable-or guilty…I don’t know what that is…
What communication is happening outside the bedroom…when you both aren’t in the mood? Are you talking aobut sex…when you aren’t trying to initiate sex? Are you talking about desires between the two of you?
You say you wait until she comes to you…how often does that happen?
I have the exact opposite problem, my hubby doesn't want to initiate with me! If I didn't initiate, it would be about once a month, if that. When we do make love, it is fantastic, and he says so too. He insists it isn't me, but it's very hard not to believe otherwise.
I have been understanding, at the same time it is difficult not to have resentment. We've been married over 12 years, with a pretty good marriage.
Hey Kat – Thanks for the comment… People do have differing sex drives that it for sure…maybe he is a guy with a lower drive. Its possible! I think you should still spend some time chatting with him outside the "heat of the moment" and see what you both can figure out together…if it is a lower sex drive or something else. You should let him know your feelings — when he doesn't initiate. Not guilt him..but honestly give him the 411…see what happens!!
Thanks for replying, Stu. I know he has a lower sex drive, and I do too now as well, from the years of rejection. I have tried talking with him, and I admit that in the past I have put guilt trips on him, as well as talking honestly and with sensitivity with him.
I'm kinda tired of talking with him about it. I need him to take the initiative to do something about it.
This is going to sound dumb, I suppose, but the only way I can get him to initiate is for me to initiate by being nude in bed. I guess I shouldn't be picky, eh?
There was a great little piece of a talk I posted not too long ago from speaker Mark Gungor… he was talking about the differences between men and women…and a big one being…men usually have to hear stuff more than once! (usually much more, than more than once!!
Our bodies change, so that might be part of it, sure, but maybe he doesn't "get it"…you ladies are much better with the feelings and communicating often times.
Tell him specifically what you want him to do. Guys like lists and to be able to check stuff off that they have accomplished. So give him one in regards to how you want to be romanced before sex!
(I started out that comment as a joke, but maybe it would work!)
Hey Kat – Thanks for the comment… People do have differing sex drives that it for sure…maybe he is a guy with a lower drive. Its possible! I think you should still spend some time chatting with him outside the "heat of the moment" and see what you both can figure out together…if it is a lower sex drive or something else. You should let him know your feelings — when he doesn't initiate. Not guilt him..but honestly give him the 411…see what happens!!
I don't initiate sex because I am too tired of struggling on my own i have ED and have been to the doctor taken medication which doesn't always help, really I am so tiered i feel like giving up i my wife doesn't initiate either so why bother, i have spoken to her but still no go she kinda feels its just my problem
I am the wife in the marriage but i feel as if i am taking the “mans” spot as far as sex. i want it much more often and think about it with him much more as well. i should note before i go on that we are 9 years apart by age (me=24) and i am not 100% convinced that that has a whole lot of baring on the situation. to me, rejection isnt just “no” but also (without him ACTUALLY saying it) “you dont turn me on enough”, “other things are more important right now” (computer, tv, movies…..sleep….), “you dont flirt right” (now that one was ACTUALLY said). things are better but not perfect. to be honest i still dont feel desired or wanted…how would you deal with that? i am not quite sure what to do. thanks.
i respect you for staying even though the pain in indescribable. thank you for writing and for giving the link. may God bless your marriage!
Hi Nani925:
Thanks for your earlier comment to my post.
Except for serious emotional issues (baggage) that a spouse may have brought into the marriage (for which counselling is a must), I've learned that there is always two sides to the situation… and they are almost certainly not equal in responsibility for the problem… but, in the end, that doesn't matter.
May I suggest a books called “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters” by Harley.
Don't wait to work on your marriage… Gungor is right, do it while you still care. In my case, by the time my wife started to change, I stopped caring. I honestly think we will recover… but the pain and resentment that must be worked through is to difficult for words.
I think I get what you're saying, but what if rejection is the norm? I mean even 50% rejection sounds low to me. Try 90 – 95% rejection. Why initiate? The only reason I can think of is that it confirms for her that she is desirable to me and that I'm undesirable to her. Maybe proving to her that she is desirable is enough. Seriously, maybe sacrificially that should be enough for a christian husband to continue. I don't know. I can't stomach it but maybe that's just weakness.
Here's an analogy I wrote and posted on themarriagebed a couple years ago…
***
Sometimes I imagine a hallway full of doors, and for years I try every door every other day or so. They are usually locked or shut in my face and locked. Every once in a blue moon a door opens, and that hope keeps me coming back again, but usually, I reach the end of the hall, with all the doors firmly locked, and I feel like such a fool. “I knew the doors would be locked. What an idiot I am!” : )
Why would I keep going down the hallway? Because I enjoy rejection? Should I keep going there every day on the off chance that once in a blue moon, a door might be open? If I don't, I might miss an opportunity, true, but I didn't lock those doors. I polished the handles, and carpeted and painted the hall, and put flowers on the end table, and kept it smelling fresh. I gave my DW the only key to those doors and she locked them.
***
I have often felt like inititiating but quite often my wife's attitude was to “let me do sex to her” while she just lay there giving me no feedback at all. I teneded to cut back to around once a week or less, and only at a weekend because she was “too tired” at anty other time. This had two consequences: I pretty well withdrew from the relationship emotionally and so lost the companionship aspect of the relationship, and also enjoyment of what sex we had was less, leading to problems of ED.
However, when we both accepted that our problem was a spiritual and not a sexual problem, something that we are working through now, I would not say that our martried life is totally perfect, but it is much more satisfying than attempting to have sex with somebody where “the lights are on but nobody is at home”.
Stu, can I just add to anyone else reading this that it is best not to let your marriage get stuck in a rut. when we started working on it we were three months away from our anniversary and the the question was did we want to celebrate that anniversary or would one or the other start divorce proceedings on the grounds of “irretrievable breakdown” in those three months. As soon as you see that there might be a better relationship, get to work on your relationship. the sooner you do, the less hurt, anger and frustration you will have to deal with. Dealing with these emotions can be painful and surely we do not want to cause any hurt to our spouse.
I realize that this is article was started a long time ago. However I just came across it and would like to comment on it.
You asked for reasons to not initiate. Here are just a few of mine.
-No! happens far more often than yes.
-If I was a good lover than yes would be the answer. There fore I must be a poor lover.
-Who wants to make love to a poor lover.
-If I was able to provide enjoyment and pleasure while making love than she would say yes. I must not be able to provide the proper pleasure.
-When you are rejected it tells you that you are not worthy of being a sexual partner. The reality of that finally starts to set in.
-When you know that you are not very good at something you tend to avoid it.
-Have tried to become better but the same results occur. I mustn't be doing it right.
-When you are told that if you say “I want to provide pleasure to you” one more time I am going to puke.
So you see after a 30+ years of living like this it appears that there is no real reason to initiate.
In some other comments you always ask what her thoughts and feelings are. When I ask her she will say “I don't know!”
Thank you for your time.
totally confused by these two posts. I DO get that women want non sexual touch and non sexual attention. But where do they get that initiating sex DOESNT mean that you're attractive or beautiful? If he didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't be AFTER you.
“Attraction means sex, it does not mean he finds me beautiful” …….YES, it DOES actually.
“This is so disheartening. We desperately long to be desired and pursued” ….You mean desired and pursued as a friend? Again, I GET that you want to be desired as a companion and as a partner etc. But if you mean desired and pursued in the classic sense……That's what initiating sex IS. When your husband wants to have sex with you, that means he desires you and is pursuing you.
Again, I get the need for non sexual touch and conversation. I guess I don't know what you and Robin Marie are saying. She also said “Attention means he wants sex. It doesn't mean he loves me or finds me beautiful. It is just his hormones he is reacting to, not me.” ????? – I apologize for being dense, but that sounds like you're saying “The fact that he's eating that sandwich doesn't mean that he's hungry.” My reply….”YES, it DOES.”
He SHOULD pay attention to you non-sexually too of course, but wanting sex with DOES mean he finds you beautiful. Does it mean love? It should, but perhaps even moreso, it means he wants to feel loved BY YOU.
For a guy, all the non sexual touch and making meals and doing his laundry, and spending time, and caring about his troubles, DOESN'T speak love nearly as much as you making love with him. (in general) Its (generally) the #1 way a husband RECEIVES love from his wife. BUT, it absolutely most certainly means DOES that they are attracted to you and find you beautiful.
Anyway, just my $0.02
LS
sex shouldn't be the first thing in a marriage,but i guess that's what married people do lol.
Hello everybody,
I am glad to read that our marriage is not the only one with these issues. I was the one who always initiated the sex and was annoyed when I got rejected. The thing that really changed our swx life was to talk about it. It sort of released the tension a bit and we can talk more freely about sex and as result have more sex too. My wife is now more aware of my needs and that helps me to ask for sex.
Thanks for the good post and all the comments.
Regards
Stefan
Hello,
I realize this post is old, but just like the previous poster, I would like to share my thoughts as the woman in a very similar situation.
My husband and I have the same problem for the same reason described in this article.
It is important for a man to initiate sex, regardless of how many times “yes” or “no” is heard. It makes us feel DESIRED. If you stop initiating, it won't be long before she starts to feel like you don't want to have sex with her or even worse- wonders who you want to have sex with!
My advice is not to take it to heart. As difficult as that is, she will love you for it!
Lady,
So true – my sex life now that I’m married is worse than when I was completely single.
My husband insists that I initiate because I want it more.
I insist that he initiate because I want it more.
If I were to initiate, which I’ve tried and tried so this is a testimony from experience, I get turned down at least 85% of the time because he’s too tired/too full/too hungry/too sore/too busy/sick/just-not-interested-right-now. While some of those are understandable (I wouldn’t want to have sex on an empty stomach, when I’m sick, or when I’m bloated either), but if he’s tired or sore, then tell me to get on top. If he’s busy, he should cut down on his several-hours-a-day-of-video-games. And I can’t remember the last time I just-wasn’t-interested…well, to be honest I’ve found myself disinterested more and more with as neglected, unattractive, and under-appreciated as I’ve been feeling as a result of all this.
Not only that, but our sex has none of the passion, spontaneity or excitement it once had. It’s only ever right before bed if at all, it never involves any of the toys he’s bought/made for me, he’s not interested in indulging any of my fantasies or kinks, fellatio is a rarity (and cunnilingus is practically non-existent, which is why fellatio has become a rarity), and foreplay consists of kissing, rubbing me to try and get me wet enough to penetrate, rubbing himself with spit because it’s not working, and not much else.
Those are my reasons for not initiating. We’re less than 2 years into our marriage. I fear for our future.
I agree with you Lady – Even though many denials in a row cause great harm in marriages – you can see that from several of the comments here already!! thanks for the comment!
Thats Awesome Stefan – Thanks for chiming in! Talking about your sex life definitely helps…especially when you do it OUT of the bedroom, so all the emotions of the “moment” aren't involved!
Maybe not the first thing, but certainly up there.
Never ceases to amaze me how many couples get married and later realize they have sexual incompatibilities.
It's important to make sure you have a mutually enjoyable sex life before you take the big step.
Lol. Part of me wants to pull the “Old Crusty Christian” card and say “Those kids shouldn't be sleeping together before marriage!!” But that would be completely dishonest, since we messed it up and had sex before marriage.
I wonder…just wonder…if couples WEREN'T having sex before marriage, would we need a “mutually enjoyable” sex life – because, if the couple were abstaining…they wouldn't have anything to Compare their sex life TOO – only to their new spouse…And they could explore their sexuality and their sex life together without comparing to previous experiences.
it isn't an “old crusty card”….it is the standard that has been in place since the One who created love, marriage and sex, created it. apologizing for the truth should never be needed.
I wish more than anything that I had never known intimacy with any man other than my husband. In the Lord's mercy, most of my past has been blotted from my mind….and being with my husband is more amazing than anything I ever knew before that was, ultimately, marred by sin.
i also don't think it is “dishonest” to hold up a standard even higher because you realize the troubles that come from not having held that standard in your own life.
my own failures and sins (and they are many!) gives me the perfect perspective to be able to encourage people NOT to take the same road. it is done with an understanding of what happens when you take the wrong path.
As a frigid wife let me tell you, I love my husband but after 3 kids and 20 years I am just not interested in the physical side of marriage anymore. My husband is grumpy, short tempered at times and rarely shows me any affection or touch me physically UNLESS he wants to have sex. Well forget it. I’m not interested! I feel like that shows me no respect at all. I love my husband but I can’t work up physical affection when he grumps at me all week and then suddenly because he feels amorous I’m supposed to forget all that? And also the fact that he can’t so much as hold my hand or show any care at all? No thanks. My physical desire is dead and buried and I could care less about having sex again as long as i live with him or any other man.
So sorry to hear about your situation – So true that if we husbands only touch our wives with one thing in mind (SEX!) its really easy for you ladies to quickly become disinterested! How is your communication with him going? Have you let him know how you are feeling about his advances only when he desires sex? Have you let him know you need him to be affectionate at other times – daily
!!!???
My family and i came here simply because this blog website was tweeted by a girl I was following and feel happy I made it here.
I am married to a wonderful man, fantastic in bed. The problem is, wehn we got married he was a virgin, and has no idea how to initiate sex at all. I always initiate and the times when he has made some sort of effort, i have never rejected him. I don’t think he knows how to initiate sex and i really don’t know how to explain to him how to do it, what signs to look for, how to touch me or anything like that. We love each other and are very affectionate but never seem to get into actaully having sex. I could really use some advice.
Hey Fern! Thanks for the comment. Perhaps he only knows how to initiate in his way – and you are missing the signals? Maybe not, but it might be something to think about. Here is a post that you might enjoy: 3 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Spouse
Stu, “woman” type here. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. Married for most of that time. Everything was great, he made all the right moves (flowers, candy, dinners both in restaurants and at home), said all the right things, sex was beyond wonderful. Then we moved in together. Like a door slamming shut-all that was gone. Literally that quickly. Went to bed exhausted from the move, got up the next morning and didn’t even get a kiss. I kept thinking it was just him being tired or whatever but nothing changed. He never initiates sex and the few times (maybe 10 or so) that he’s “flirted” with me-I’ve literally been in the middle of something. I’m not talking about being on the computer or watching tv, more on the order of I was frying something for dinner and him coming up behind me and grabbing my breasts (his version of flirting) was terribly unwelcome. He’s gained a lot of weight, 100 pounds or so, and I’m about what I was when we met or 15-20 lbs lighter. He likes to pick fights with me now, and I am tired of trying to get him to see what I am talking about. He just doesn’t understand that 2-3 times a year of hop on top then roll off really isn’t doing it for me. He actually told me that “of course I love you-I’m here aren’t I?” I’m not perfect, never said I was but I really believe that there’s more to a loving relationship than breathing the same air.
Disgustedly,
Anne
How do you get over a sense of resentment and entitlement with sex?
I do all the flirting and initiation and can generally give her at least five orgasms each time we have sex.
The problem I have is that my wife and I have diverged physically over the course of our 20+ years. She has grown overweight and is unable despite exercise and diet to change much. We started doing this together but my genes have been kinder.
As a result other women seem to be more flirtatious (granted it could be in my head) but people are always complimenting me on becoming trim.
I am a tall guy and my parents have aged well while my wife may be on a different familial trajectory.
How do I get it out of my head that I am somehow entitled to more sex while my wife is a bit insecure and resentful about the whole thing. This is making me sound superficial but it is undermining our marriage.
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