a post from Lisa
We’ve all had rough days, the kids were fighting, dinner burned, the dog pooped on the clean kitchen floor, your boss came into work in a bad mood… and, as women, we tend to connect all the areas of our lives together so it is hard to switch gears from –”stressful day”, to — “intimacy in the bedroom”.
My tendency, when I have had one of those days has been to simply say “No, I’m tired” or “No, I’m not in the mood”.
What I recently found out, is that just saying ‘no’ to my husband has a huge negative effect on him.
What NO Means to Him
He interprets my “no” as me having complete control our sex life… since he tends to be in the mood more often, the amount of sex we have tends to rely on my state of mind and willingness — not his. When he is rip-roaring ready to go… I tend to slow down the process and say ‘Hold your horses, cowboy.’
Over time, this can really cause an issue in a marriage. A husband can grow bitter and distant because he feels like he has no control over how often you are having sex. He can also feel that you are saying ‘NO’ to him as a man. When a man isn’t getting this type of physical love (one of the most important ways that a husband can receive love), it can lead to being dissatisfied in his marriage. And sadly, over time, that will end up also making you dissatisfied as well.
Does that mean you should always say “yes”?
Yes, but not in the way you would normally think.
The Counter Offer
Here is my suggestion: Instead of saying “no”, how about making a counter offer… the fact is that if you love your husband, you probably enjoy being intimate with him (when you can clear your head and really enjoy it) so you may want to be intimate, just not tonight.
When you respond with a counter offer versus a “NO” response only, it can show him that you are interested in him, that being intimate is important to you too and that you are willing to make it a priority in the near future.
What do you think? Have you tried this before in your home? How did it work for you and your spouse? Please leave us a comment and let us know!
photo by Futurowoman
Lisa,
Although I agree with your sentiment about how “No” affects a man, any intelligent male will see right through your “Yes, but not now” tactic….how do you think you have changed the dynamic of the woman dictating the when and how??? No offense, but this just another play from the female manipultaion playbook.
Sometimes it ISNT the wife that says no to sex.
Its the husband, or could be the husband.
It really bothers me when “no” being said to sex in a relationship is automatically dropped on the wife.
I think thats wrong. Wives are not always the ones that say no.
“Yes but not now” or “Sure, some other time” is just too vague. How about, “I need a nap first — I’ll be ready for you in 90 minutes,” or “I’m truly too tired right now, but let’s make a definite appointment for 8pm tomorrow,” or “It’s hard for me to get in the mood after a long work day, but I’ll be all yours Saturday morning.”
By the way, this doesn’t just apply to wives saying no. Sometimes it is the husband who has a lower sex drive or isn’t in the mood at the moment. As hard as it is for men to hear no, it can be even harder for women, since they EXPECT men to want sex. So if you are a husband who says no too often, please consider this advice as well.
The ‘counter-offer’ is certainly better than an out-right ‘no’ … but if the wife doesn’t follow up on the counter-offer then it is just another excuse :/
I’ve been there …
Exactly. Happens to me all the time. “I’m tired lets do it tomorrow”. Well guess what happens tomorrow… tired again or some other excuse. I’m lucky to get sex from my wife once a month and we are in our mid-late 20′s. My sex life is truly depressing to me. I’ve even tried to talk to her about it but she doesn’t want to hear it.
Hey, I think a counter-offer does not have to mean that the husband waits for a length of time. As a busy woman who struggles to be in the mood for sex sometimes, I find that saying ‘not now, maybe tomorrow’ just puts me under pressure to be happy and in the mood tomorrow!. And then I feel bad and then its sex from guilt and pressure not pleasure. In addition I ‘m pretty bad at faking being in the mood so my husband can tell and then he feels guilty and frustrated at the same time. No. My counter-offers are other sexual acts right there and then. Like I’ll touch my husband or let him just watch me undress slowly or we’ll just make out but not have sex or we’ll masturbate together… I find that really helps us both.
That’s a great approach – I think you actually hit the heart of this post with what you both have chosen to do in your marriage.
I’ve never had to say no to sex! Because I only had sex once in my entire life and that was our wedding night 45 years ago. I was told the day after we were married that sex, intimacy, love was all a waste of time, also it was disgusting, pointless, mindless, disgusting, messy, smelly. Also he inted out that it meaning less and way to much work for so little. Then I was told it would never happen again. And it hasn’t ! He moved to the basement and has lived ther all 45 years, I have the upstairs. We haven’t talked in maybe 25 years or so. He also worked the midnight shift so he didn’t have to be athome with me. I have a part time job, good anti-depresiant drugs and a great shrink. To old now to care any more!
Amy, this is really very SAD. Praying for you.
Is this real? he must be hiding the fact that he is gay… Have u thought of that?
I would add that it is a huge blow to his self esteem (over time). It can also lead to paranoid thoughts that she may be cheating on you.
These thoughts can be dismissed for a while but after months or years it is unavoidable.
Here is a tip for wives. At least flirt with your husband from time to time. Even if you don’t want to take it further it reminds us that we are still the only man for you.
Good call on that one William! Thnx for the thoughts.
I like this idea. My husband and I fight a lot since ive had our baby and we havent had sex in 5 months. I want to but Im always pissed @ him. How do I put aside being mad long enough to want to love on him? Also… hes not like he used to be. He used to kiss on me or rub my back now I crawl into be and hes already naked with a stupid grin on his face like a 15yr old going can we have sex?? Yah cause that puts me in the mood!! Ugh how do i cross this road block and get back to the romance and non anger we used to have?
After baby can be a tough time! Both of you are changing (have changed) into new roles as parents. You more physically – and he might not know how to respond to your desire to be a mom…That was a big thing for me. That requires some open honest conversation. When our son was born, I thought I was competing for Lisa’s attention – with our son. It wasn’t the case, but I didn’t realize that at the time. Lovingly ask how he is doing now that he is a dad.
Also – remember that you have changed as well – as a mom, your body is pumping some new chemicals that could also be altering or heightening your moods too!! (Not that you don’t have a valid reason to be upset – but be conscious of it!)
Force yourself to the first time or two, even if you’re mad at him! You’ll soon feel better and maybe your hubby will be a little more romantic knowing the efforts will be worthwhile. A good book to read is His Needs, Her Needs, which made me realize I needed to put HIS needs first if I intended to have my own needs met. Also, kinda like the Love Dare concept, from the movie Fireproof. We’ve been married almost 25 yrs with 7 kids, so I know what it’s like being postpartum -as well as being really MAD at your husband, esp. after I discovered his porn use!
However, you really don’t want to allow satan a foothold in your marriage and if you’re not coming together for 5-6 months, it seems to me that’s plenty of a GAP for anyone’s foot!
I know it’s HARD but a happy marriage will be SO WORTH it!!