Wives: How to Never Say No to Sex Again

Wives, here’s how to never say no to sex again
How to Never Say No to Sex Again

We’ve all had rough days, the kids were fighting, dinner burned, the dog pooped on the clean kitchen floor, your boss came into work in a bad mood… and, as women, we tend to connect all the areas of our lives together so it is hard to switch gears from –”stressful day”, to — “intimacy in the bedroom”.

My tendency, when I have had one of those days has been to simply say “No, I’m tired” or “No, I’m not in the mood”.

What I recently found out, is that just saying ‘no’ to my husband has a huge negative effect on him.

What NO Means to Him

He interprets my “no” as me having complete control our sex life… since he tends to be in the mood more often, the amount of sex we have tends to rely on my state of mind and willingness — not his.  When he is rip-roaring ready to go… I tend to slow down the process and say ‘Hold your horses, cowboy.’

Over time, this can really cause an issue in a marriage.  A husband can grow bitter and distant because he feels like he has no control over how often you are having sex.  He can also feel that you are saying ‘NO’ to him as a man.   When a man isn’t getting this type of physical love (one of the most important ways that a husband can receive love), it can lead to being dissatisfied in his marriage.  And sadly, over time, that will end up also making you dissatisfied as well.

Does that mean you should always say “yes”?

Yes, but not in the way you would normally think.

The Counter Offer

Here is my suggestion: Instead of saying “no”, how about making a counter offer… the fact is that if you love your husband, you probably enjoy being intimate with him (when you can clear your head and really enjoy it) so you may want to be intimate, just not tonight.

When you respond with a counter offer versus a “NO” response only, it can show him that you are interested in him, that being intimate is important to you too and that you are willing to make it a priority in the near future.

What do you think? Have you tried this before in your home?  How did it work for you and your spouse?  Please leave us a comment and let us know!

photo by Futurowoman

Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    Lisa,

    Although I agree with your sentiment about how “No” affects a man, any intelligent male will see right through your “Yes, but not now” tactic….how do you think you have changed the dynamic of the woman dictating the when and how??? No offense, but this just another play from the female manipultaion playbook.

  2. suzie says

    Sometimes it ISNT the wife that says no to sex.
    Its the husband, or could be the husband.
    It really bothers me when “no” being said to sex in a relationship is automatically dropped on the wife.
    I think thats wrong. Wives are not always the ones that say no.

  3. says

    “Yes but not now” or “Sure, some other time” is just too vague. How about, “I need a nap first — I’ll be ready for you in 90 minutes,” or “I’m truly too tired right now, but let’s make a definite appointment for 8pm tomorrow,” or “It’s hard for me to get in the mood after a long work day, but I’ll be all yours Saturday morning.”

    By the way, this doesn’t just apply to wives saying no. Sometimes it is the husband who has a lower sex drive or isn’t in the mood at the moment. As hard as it is for men to hear no, it can be even harder for women, since they EXPECT men to want sex. So if you are a husband who says no too often, please consider this advice as well.

  4. a guy says

    The ‘counter-offer’ is certainly better than an out-right ‘no’ … but if the wife doesn’t follow up on the counter-offer then it is just another excuse :/

    I’ve been there …

    • Another Guy says

      Exactly. Happens to me all the time. “I’m tired lets do it tomorrow”. Well guess what happens tomorrow… tired again or some other excuse. I’m lucky to get sex from my wife once a month and we are in our mid-late 20′s. My sex life is truly depressing to me. I’ve even tried to talk to her about it but she doesn’t want to hear it.

  5. Rachael says

    Hey, I think a counter-offer does not have to mean that the husband waits for a length of time. As a busy woman who struggles to be in the mood for sex sometimes, I find that saying ‘not now, maybe tomorrow’ just puts me under pressure to be happy and in the mood tomorrow!. And then I feel bad and then its sex from guilt and pressure not pleasure. In addition I ‘m pretty bad at faking being in the mood so my husband can tell and then he feels guilty and frustrated at the same time. No. My counter-offers are other sexual acts right there and then. Like I’ll touch my husband or let him just watch me undress slowly or we’ll just make out but not have sex or we’ll masturbate together… I find that really helps us both.

    • says

      That’s a great approach – I think you actually hit the heart of this post with what you both have chosen to do in your marriage.

  6. Amy says

    I’ve never had to say no to sex! Because I only had sex once in my entire life and that was our wedding night 45 years ago. I was told the day after we were married that sex, intimacy, love was all a waste of time, also it was disgusting, pointless, mindless, disgusting, messy, smelly. Also he inted out that it meaning less and way to much work for so little. Then I was told it would never happen again. And it hasn’t ! He moved to the basement and has lived ther all 45 years, I have the upstairs. We haven’t talked in maybe 25 years or so. He also worked the midnight shift so he didn’t have to be athome with me. I have a part time job, good anti-depresiant drugs and a great shrink. To old now to care any more!

  7. William says

    I would add that it is a huge blow to his self esteem (over time). It can also lead to paranoid thoughts that she may be cheating on you.

    These thoughts can be dismissed for a while but after months or years it is unavoidable.

    Here is a tip for wives. At least flirt with your husband from time to time. Even if you don’t want to take it further it reminds us that we are still the only man for you.

  8. want to but ... says

    I like this idea. My husband and I fight a lot since ive had our baby and we havent had sex in 5 months. I want to but Im always pissed @ him. How do I put aside being mad long enough to want to love on him? Also… hes not like he used to be. He used to kiss on me or rub my back now I crawl into be and hes already naked with a stupid grin on his face like a 15yr old going can we have sex?? Yah cause that puts me in the mood!! Ugh how do i cross this road block and get back to the romance and non anger we used to have?

    • says

      After baby can be a tough time! Both of you are changing (have changed) into new roles as parents. You more physically – and he might not know how to respond to your desire to be a mom…That was a big thing for me. That requires some open honest conversation. When our son was born, I thought I was competing for Lisa’s attention – with our son. It wasn’t the case, but I didn’t realize that at the time. Lovingly ask how he is doing now that he is a dad.

      Also – remember that you have changed as well – as a mom, your body is pumping some new chemicals that could also be altering or heightening your moods too!! (Not that you don’t have a valid reason to be upset – but be conscious of it!)

    • Anonymous says

      Force yourself to the first time or two, even if you’re mad at him! You’ll soon feel better and maybe your hubby will be a little more romantic knowing the efforts will be worthwhile. A good book to read is His Needs, Her Needs, which made me realize I needed to put HIS needs first if I intended to have my own needs met. Also, kinda like the Love Dare concept, from the movie Fireproof. We’ve been married almost 25 yrs with 7 kids, so I know what it’s like being postpartum -as well as being really MAD at your husband, esp. after I discovered his porn use!
      However, you really don’t want to allow satan a foothold in your marriage and if you’re not coming together for 5-6 months, it seems to me that’s plenty of a GAP for anyone’s foot!
      I know it’s HARD but a happy marriage will be SO WORTH it!!

  9. Jack says

    My wife and I have been fortunate to have great sex when we have it. For a while it has been good, but when we first got married and then after having kids it was tough. I would ask, she would say no, and one can live with that for a while, but at some point it is tough on a guy. As noted recently sex has been great, but the no word is coming into the equation again. Often it starts as teasing, in that we were supposed to have sex, and it is well lets wait till tomorrow, and then tomorrow it is the same thing. She is tired, or stressed, and we then go a week without it. She has said, hey lets take the rain check and the rain check does not come. So I think there needs to be more to this than a pleasant rain check. I am all ears.

  10. Wifey says

    For the lady saying, “hes already naked with a stupid grin on his face like a 15yr old going can we have sex”

    That’s still totally a blessing in my boat. He obviously still cares and has at least a smidgeon of enthusiasm. My guy falls asleep while I’m in the middle of pleasuring him! I’ve never said ‘no’ in our five years of marriage, but have been told ‘no’ plenty of times. It’s feels like things are just sorta..flaming out :( It’s confusing and destructive to a girls self-esteem as well as a mans. “I’m-not-good-enough” syndrome, sure enough. I’m scared many of us will just give up and turn to our vibrators and porn instead..if we haven’t already. Sad. Thanks for opening the discussion though and offering tips. There’s a lot of pain out there and the world needs to hear it.

    • says

      I’ve read with much interest the comments posted here so far. The original post by Lisa Gray presented her solution to a relatively common problem: a happy marriage where the wife enjoys making love with her husband but where the husband just seems to be “in the mood” a bit more often than the wife. A few of the subsequent posts from husbands seemed to indicate that their marriages didn’t quite fit that picture. The sex issue seemed to be only a symptom of a more serious problem. Then, too, a few of the posts from wives indicated that they were the ones who would like to make love more often, but their husbands didn’t want to. I could sense the hurt and disappointment in those posts, especially the previous post #18 by “Wifey.” My heart goes out to wives in that situation.

      Now I’m not a marriage counselor, and I do not have a solution to every problem brought out in this thread. But I do have some suggestions that might be of help with some of the problems in the posts here and might, in fact, lead to a happy ending.

      With Stu Gray’s permission, I’m going to mention my Web site, Romantic Marriage Stories (romanticmarriagestories.com). The site contains over 30 romantic short stories that portray the fun a couple can have in a happy and sexy marriage (they are clean, with no descriptions of the act itself). However, I began this Web site with the idea of showing a way to solve the original problem addressed by Lisa–a happy marriage where the wife enjoys love making but not quite as often as her husband. The approach to this problem by Laurie, my little fictional heroine in the stories, is a bit different from the one Lisa suggested, but it will give wives in this situation a few new ideas.

      But as I said, my heart breaks to hear of a situation as “Wifey” in post #18 describes. In fact, if you look at the announcement on my home page, “When Dreams Come True”: Inspired by “Annie,” you’ll see that a wife in this same situation wrote to me. Annie faced the same disappointment and discouragement that “Wifey” described. I was moved to write a story for Annie that deals with this problem, and Annie wrote me again saying how helpful my story was to her. Both of Annie’s letters are in that little announcement on my home page, and you can then read the story I wrote.

      I hope that some of you wives will find the stories at Romantic Marriage Stories helpful and that they might even inspire some new ways to make your marriages happier, more romantic, and…sexier.

      Bill Quinn

  11. Andrea says

    I am married for 3 years and I have never said no to my husband. Even if I am mad at him- the moment sex enters in a picture everything is forgotten and I want it so badly-sometimes even more than him. It is interesting to read how some women need to be in mood/happy to have sex–

  12. Crushed says

    I am at a complete loss. Been married to a lady that I love with all my heart for 16 years, but she has been rejecting me sexually for 16 years. We were sexually active prior to marriage. We talked about sex prior to marriage. I explained that I have a high sex drive and asked (my then girl friend) if she was comfortable with my sex drive and if she could continue the sexual activity after marriage. She assured me that she would remain sexually active and that she too had a high sex drive.
    The first time she said no to me was the night we got engaged. Between the engagement and our wedding (5 months), she said no several times but she attributed it to the stress of a relocation and wedding plans. As newly weds, we made love once a month, which was inadequate, but I was patient. My wife said no because she was tired, stressed, problems with her boss. I did not realize that a pattern was established.
    After having children, the sexual activity dropped even further to about 4 times a year. I always enjoyed surprising her with flowers, cards, etc… when there wasn’t an occassion. I would mail her cards telling her how much I missed her while traveling on business. Even sent a special delivery stuffed animal while on a business trip. The date nights and gifts would occassionally get her in the mood, but most of the time I would receive an empty “thank you” response. I grew tired of being unappreciated and drastically cut back on the surprise gifts after 13 years of trying.
    We recently went through a 2.5 year period without sex – that nearly killed me.
    Occasionally, she will accuse me of having an affair recognizing that I am not getting it at home, so therefore I might try to go some where else. I have no interest in an affair. I just want my wife.
    I cannot get through to her. I wrote a long letter explaining my pain. Unfortunately, my wife responded very poorly to the letter. She still throws that letter in my face and I wrote that letter over 5 years ago.
    She rejects me and continues to make excuses. When I tell her that she is making excuses, she gets defensive and insists that she is not making excuses. Of course they are excuses, no one is tired, stressed, etc… for 360+ days out of the year.
    I read books, read articles, talk to friends with similar issues. I just wish my wife would respond. I love her dearly and do not want to get divorced.
    I have never faced a greater challenge in my life then trying to renew my wife’s interest in sex. We had a great sex life prior to marriage.

    • wife says

      for “Crushed” i think it’s great you are not seeking an affair. maybe you need to try to see if your wife has a health issue or low hormones. sometimes it’s not the emotions that are missing ( you obviously worked hard on that – with the gifts, etc) but something to do with hormones. i have a friend who has this problem – she just shuts down at times, even though she loves her man and he is super nice to her. maybe you need to pray together. maybe you need to see a sexologist together. maybe you need to try massage or other things like tantra to get her more involved and take the pressure away from it being “sex” to it being “lovemaking,” “connecting” or even “relaxing.”

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