a post from Lisa
We’ve all had rough days, the kids were fighting, dinner burned, the dog pooped on the clean kitchen floor, your boss came into work in a bad mood… and, as women, we tend to connect all the areas of our lives together so it is hard to switch gears from –”stressful day”, to — “intimacy in the bedroom”.
My tendency, when I have had one of those days has been to simply say “No, I’m tired” or “No, I’m not in the mood”.
What I recently found out, is that just saying ‘no’ to my husband has a huge negative effect on him.
What NO Means to Him
He interprets my “no” as me having complete control our sex life… since he tends to be in the mood more often, the amount of sex we have tends to rely on my state of mind and willingness — not his. When he is rip-roaring ready to go… I tend to slow down the process and say ‘Hold your horses, cowboy.’
Over time, this can really cause an issue in a marriage. A husband can grow bitter and distant because he feels like he has no control over how often you are having sex. He can also feel that you are saying ‘NO’ to him as a man. When a man isn’t getting this type of physical love (one of the most important ways that a husband can receive love), it can lead to being dissatisfied in his marriage. And sadly, over time, that will end up also making you dissatisfied as well.
Does that mean you should always say “yes”?
Yes, but not in the way you would normally think.
The Counter Offer
Here is my suggestion: Instead of saying “no”, how about making a counter offer… the fact is that if you love your husband, you probably enjoy being intimate with him (when you can clear your head and really enjoy it) so you may want to be intimate, just not tonight.
When you respond with a counter offer versus a “NO” response only, it can show him that you are interested in him, that being intimate is important to you too and that you are willing to make it a priority in the near future.
What do you think? Have you tried this before in your home? How did it work for you and your spouse? Please leave us a comment and let us know!
photo by Futurowoman
Stu & Lisa have been married 8 years (together 11) and have a heart to encourage couples in their marriages. They live in Middle Tennessee, have an awesome 6 year old, and a mutt named 'Boo'.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
great post. I would add, that the counter offer needs to be followed through with or its just a “No” in other words and will be heard as a No with exactly the same effect.
Actually, as a man, I’d say it’s even worse if you make a counter offer without following through.
In that case we are then talking about a build up of anticipation, as well as trust and thoughtfulness.
If you do make the counter offer you have to make sure it really is followed through, or any resentment could be magnified.
I've heard this idea in several other forums, and while at the surface it seems to make sense, I do not believe it affects the balance of power. The lower-sex drive spouse is still in power, even if it's a more benevolent power.
Let's assume the higher-sex-drive spouse is either doing the things that should be done to be a good spouse or at least making a valiant effort and requests for sex are “reasonable.” If that's true, then I believe that first and foremost the primary answer must be yes. Certainly, we must allow for “not now but later” otherwise power is just shifted the other way. I would want the same grace extended to me if my wife wanted to sit and talk but I had a lousy day and I just wanted to take it out on the baddies in a video game.
Christ tells us that a successful marriage comes through mutual service and sacrifice. As a husband, I am commanded to love and serve my wife as Christ loved the church. And without debating the whole “submit” thing she is commanded to give of herself back. So before we allow that “not now but later,” I suggest the low-drive spouse consider “why not now” and “what can I do to be the spouse that is being asked of me right now.” And then as Landschooner noted, follow through on all of that.
Great advice. I will share it with my blog's readers.
I like this post a lot! (I agree with landschooner too… without a counter offer, the devastating effects remain). Saddens me greatly when there is disconnect between husbands and wives…when they don't understand each others' desires, needs and the effects of how and what they communicate to each other. I love sex. I know a lot of wives who don't. They say they love their husbands, though. Talk about disconnect between words and actions. Thanks again for the post Beautiful Wife! You and Stu are a blessing… keep speaking the truth.
I have lived this pain for pretty much the entire length of my long, and otherwise loving marriage.
I am the high drive spouse, my wife the low drive spouse. The pain of constant rejection is such that after 25+ years of marriage I no longer any expectation of a “yes” when I ask. I am astonished if I suggest sex and she agrees, and actually follows through. Occasionally she will suggest not now, but day after tomorrow – and then pretend that conversation never happened when the suggested time rolls around. This is even worse.
I think for the low drive spouse the loving thing would be to never say no. Always look for a way to say “yes” – “I can't now, but lets make a date for Wednesday” would be fantastic, provided you actually follow through. “I am totally stressed out about my meeting tomorrow, how about I use my hands to take care of you” would be great.
Or, how about “I am totally stressed out, I can't right now. I love you and I'm sorry. Ask me again this weekend” would be OK to.
Any of these would be a dramatic improvement from a flat “no”. I suspect that low drive women simply are not wired to appreciate just how much rejection of their husband's high need for sexual intimacy with them cause real emotional pain.
I have to admire you for trying for 25 years, I am only at 10 years and I will no longer ask. I will admit I have medical issues that make sex very difficult but I thought we married for better or worse in sickness and in health. That was the vows that I agreed to but I am really beginning to wonder about my wife. Christmas Eve we agreed that we would try at 8:00 am Christmas Day. I took my medicine and did everything I have to to be physically prepared. I returned to our bedroom 12 minutes too early and I got told ‘NO’, not exactly ‘NO’ but I was told that she wanted to continue sleeping! It is easier to be roommates without benefits although I still love my wife and that is what tears my heart out. I definitely believe that ‘yes’ should be the default answer more often than not. If we postpone to another day either she feels bad again or the conversation never happened.
This is a wonderful site, continue with the great advice.
I read Scott's comment and had to think hard whether maybe I'd already posted a comment without remembering I had done so. I agree with much of what he said. I think “yes” should generally be the default answer. While I agree that “how about later” is better than “no,” and may sometime be necessary, I also believe it can send a similar message to the one whose advances are being deferred. This is certainly a complex issue, and there are many mitigating issues that come into play. In general, however, I think “yes is best” because it honors the desires of the requesting spouse.
Hey Landschooner, thanks for the comment, I completely agree! Actions speak louder than words!
The Beautiful Wife
Thank you for your honesty. I agree that our wiring is very different… it took me a long time to realize what a significant role sexual intimacy plays for My Incredible Husband in the way he feels loved by me.
It’s such a pivotal role for a wife. It’s truly a need in a husband’s life that only the wife can meet. Other women won’t meet it, pornography won’t meet it, masturbation won’t meet it. That’s because the need is to be intimate with you, the wife. I truly wish that wives would get this. My own wife is learning this and I can tell you, it’s made a HUGE difference in our marriage.
Hey Brent – Thanks for the comment! You said it well sir. So glad to hear that you guys are working on this together!
Thank you for your comment Julie!
I also know wives who don't love sex and it makes me sad to think about the intimacy they are missing in their marriages. A lot of women are raised with a negative view of “Sex” and this can complicate things. I think understanding what God intended sexual intimacy to be and that it is a gift from Him for our marriage can help some women to see it differently. Thanks again!
Thank You!
Thanks for the comment Scott!
I agree that taking the time consider “why not now” is a great idea! Life gets so hectic sometimes that I think we tend to default to “no” without really thinking through the question.
Thanks for the comment Scott M!
I think 'honoring your spouses desires' is a great way to think about it!
Awesome post, Beautiful Wife! This is something my husband and I have learned to do because sometimes we are both just dog tired!
And, sadly, while saying no to sex seems to be more common amongst wives, there are many marriages where it's just the opposite – it's the husband saying no or ignoring their wives completely which is also damaging to the marriage.
It's crazy how such a beautiful and precious gift gets so convoluted.
I must concur completely. Far too many times, my DW has asked, “Would tomorrow night be OK?” and when tomorrow night is here, it gets postponed again. That has led to a lot of resentment. In a real estate negotiation, if you counter offer and the other party accepts, you are then bound to the offer and face financial penalties for not following through. So, if you are going to use this technique, you need to realize that you have made a solemn promise that you must keep regardless (unless, of course, there is a real emergency or disaster that prevents it).
I have a thought that low drive spouses might want to thoughtfully consider:
In 24 years of couples counsleing, I have never seen a case of adultery that was NOT precipitated by the low drive spouse restricting physical intimiacy. In my view (and increasingly that of other authorities as well), the frequency of sex within a marriage should be controlled by the high drive spouse.
Certainly, the low drive spouse may protest that it is “her body” and “her right.” And, she is absolutely correct in that. But it is also her marriage to build or sabatoge. As the Bible puts it, “It is the foolish woman who tears down her house with her own hands.”
With intimacy, to insisit on one's right to withhold is to sow the seeds of such evils as adultery, divorce, and the like. Even if the high drive spouse has strong enough morals to avoid straying, he will become cold, distant, or bitter. By comparison, once low drive spouses understand the importnace of intimacy to the high drive spouse, most end up admiting at the very least that having sex more frequently is a relatively simple and pleasant way to bless and minister to the other's needs. And it bears fruit everyone is glad to eat.
Bon Appetiet.
I wholeheartedly agree!!! Go with the person who’s drive is the highest! Here’s the truth that I’ve learned from friends, over the years, that role tends to shift several times. Whoever in the relationship at the time has the higher drive, that’s the one to go with. It’s not selfish, its protecting your marriage. How many articles have been written saying even you aren’t in the mood, just go for it, chances are, you’ll get in the mood pretty dang quick. Someone else once said, “How many times have you agreed to have sex with your spouse and regretted it? If that weren’t enough, speaking of the Bible, it explicitly says, “Don’t withhold physical intimacy from one another. Your body is not your own.” (I Corinthians 7). It’s sound advice for a reason.
Hey Dr. B!
Thanks so much for your insight! A great point to consider.
That is ridiculous. No is no. No, but tommorow maybe is NO. Ask any five year old who asks for ice cream and their parent says “No, but maybe tommorow.” Or, “No, but I love ice cream on Fridays, lets have it then.” Total crap.
Ahh, but most five year olds haven't learned delayed gratification. They want it now, on their terms no matter what. And that is what we act like when we have to have it now no matter what as well. Marriage is meant to grow us up so we don't have to act like 5 year olds any more! thanks for the comment!
@Dr. B: That sure rings true to me.
I’ve been pleading with my wife, praying to God, and trying every strategy I can imagine – waiting and not initiating; saying no thanks, i.e., trying to make her the pursuer; reasoning with her; threatening to leave, etc., etc. Sometimes she says she gets it, and will make it better, but goes right back to ignoring me. Other times she tells me, “Too bad – you’ve got it better than some of my friend’s husbands.” The end result is always the same… nothing changes. She seems to think she can put me on the back-burner indefinitely.
Ironically, she is quick to point out that if I ever were to stray, “That’s cheating!” Frankly, I feel she has been guilty of a form of infidelity by ignoring and neglecting me.
I’ve given up on her changing. (The fact that I’ve stopped showing any interest would be a big sign to be concerned if she paid attention.) But I am not giving up on being happy. I may divorce her, but I certainly am not going to wait to be happy if I get the chance. Especially after waiting and pleading with her for 10 years.
Wow! Sitting here at 2:00 AM again frustrated because my wife broke yet another date. It seemed that a date would be a solution to the “just say no” delimma we were in. Well that hasn’t worked either. The alternative date with a reason would sure help lesson the emotional damage. I will bring that up to her in the morning. It especially hurts that she will not miss a tennis date with her partners no matter what (4 to 5 dates a week) but she seemingly has no problem breaking our date. I’ve taken the role of doing all the cooking, most of the cleaning and have even taken tennis lessons to be with her more. The appreciation is just not there for me.
Since my last post, I had the intimate conversation I wanted. I did my best to explain what intimacy means for me, how wonderful she is at it and generally how wonderful and important she is as wife and friend. The conversation was revealing, open and sincere. The result is things didn’t change. Still haven’t been intimate and my growing confusion about what’s going on in her head leaves me with feeling of loneliness and doubts about our direction as a couple. Feeling more lost than ever. Marriage counceling seems inevitable and that makes me very sad. I’ve been through counceling with my last marriage and the result was not so good. Can’t compare my first marriage to this one in any way but still the anxiety mounts as I wait to hear what is really happening to our marriage.
Bilster -
Glad to hear you had a conversation – its too bad that you didn’t get the results you were desiring. Not all counseling is bad! I know that it takes work to find someone who really cares and can help. Hopefully you will find someone you both trust and she is able to open up a bit and reveal her thoughts and feelings.
I think our yes should be yes, and no be no with the understanding that intimacy should come in the very near future, in as much as possible, since one of marraige partners has expressed the need/ desire for intimacy. Marriage is about transparent trust, free communication, and sacred intimacy — not a series of offer/counteroffer games, d**n it — talk about immaturity!
The idea of a so called counter offer sounds nice in theory but is unrealistic. I’ve been married for 23 years and had to learn to accept the phrase maybe next weekend or maybe as a vague unspecified time for intimacy as a counter offer based on the reasoning of being tired, I’m still full from dinner 5 hours ago, my stomach is bothering me, I’m stressed out or that one or both of our teen daughters was home or might be coming home soon if they were out. Even when we tried to make an appointment to have sex there would always be a last minute reason that our private time would need to be postponed. I even recall my wife trying to say things would become easier once the children were away at college. One child is now a Sr. in college and the other a Soph. in college. There have been no children during the school year in the house for at least 2 years. Sex is still rare. These what you call counter offers more frequently turn out to be diversions and distractions.
When a guy puts themselves on the line by being the only one who ever initiates a desire for sex they are risking both rejection and a hit to their manhood. When the facts turn out to be that they are rejected by their wife 99% of the time they suggest intimacy a man will begin to have all kinds of self doubts.
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