This is a post that you don’t want to read. It’s could hurt a little bit. But I do hope it encourages you and lets you in on what might be going on in your marriage.
I am going to let you in on some man stuff that you might not realize might be going on if you aren’t having consistent sex with your spouse. You may have never had conversations about this stuff, you might not know it, or be in denial about it. So, I want to pass this along so you can be aware, encouraged, and proactive.
The things I am going to pass along to you are mainly guy issues. While I do think that women also struggle with these things, today I’m talking specifically about what the husband might be struggling with.
As husbands, we want you (our wives) beside us cheering us on. We want you to love us and know who we are. We want you to be the women of our dreams and we want to love you as best we can. And yes, we want to have sex with you.
So, let’s get it out there.
Wives – here are some “man things” that your husband might be struggling with if he isn’t having consistent sex with you.
A desire to remain faithful
Ladies, your husband wants to be your husband. He loves you and desires your affections. That’s why he married you. If you withhold yourself from him, it can become a struggle. He wants you to be the woman he dreams about and fantasizes about, yet if the only thing you give him is a list of things to do, a list of things he did wrong, and the cold shoulder, unfortunately, the nice lady at the office who listens and cares seems very interesting to him. I’m not saying he is going there. I’m saying that is a door the devil could walk through.
Lusting
Lust is primarily a heart issue. Jesus pointed that out when he taught about our thoughts – even if you think about another woman – that’s like you have already slept with her. (Matt. 5:28) Our culture is driven by lust. And it’s not just physical lust. Lust for everything. You deserve this – you want that, you should have it, nothing should stop you from having it all…these are the messages we get daily — If not several hundred times daily. Sadly, we have been sold a raw deal about lust. Lust is selfish. But when we aren’t having consistent sex, some men do turn to other places to eject out of their realities and pretend/imagine/fantasize about what could be happening with someone else.
Pornography
We live in a pornified society. If your husband hasn’t initiated for quite some, he might be lost in the false intimacy of pornography. It’s a false representation of something that should be between a husband and wife. Yet, thousands of men fall into this trap. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is something that your husband needs to work on for himself. But if his bent is toward pornography, having less real sex could be a stumbling block for him.
Masturbation
Masturbation usually accompanies a porn or lust addiction. Fantasy becomes easier to access than the real thing. If a man has problems initiating sex; feels threatened about initiating; gets no much more than yes; feels demeaned or less than a man, taking his needs “into his own hands” becomes an easy out. Sadly, it jeopardizes your relationship because it gives him less of a drive to be intimate with you.
Extra Marital Affairs
Sadly, if a sexual need or desire isn’t met at home, and someone outside of the marriage is open, engaging and interested, this snare can trap all too easily.
I am NOT JUSTIFYING ANY OF THESE BEHAVIORS. They are all problems, and they need to be honestly addressed by husbands before they become a problem. I do want you to know the paths that many marriages have taken when sex is absent.
I don’t know how to express this gently, so I am just going to write it – and forgive me if it is insensitive. If you are withholding sex, you are allowing the devil to use you to pull your marriage apart.
Harsh.
Simple.
True.
Sex is one of the primary ways men like to receive love. It’s how we are wired.
Studies show that whenever women and men are surveyed about what they desire most from their spouse, Men rate SEX as number 1. Sex is always somewhere lower on the list for a woman.
You Are to Be His Outlet for Sex
Sexual love is the only type of love that you can have ONLY with your spouse.
Read that again – it’s important.
There are other types of love…Affectionate love – Friendship love – Committed love – But guess what – all of those can be given to other people. Good friends, relatives, co-workers…etc.
Sexual Love is only given between a husband and a wife. (At least that’s how it is used to be – right?)
If you just have the three, without the important fourth (God uses SEX as the determining factor for marriage!) You’re at best, good friends, or at worst, roommates passing in the night.
I want to write it again, because I want you to get it.
Sexual love is for marriage.
You are the only outlet your spouse is supposed to have for sex.
We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments on these points from todays article!
Stu & Lisa have been married 8 years (together 11) and have a heart to encourage couples in their marriages. They live in Middle Tennessee, have an awesome 6 year old, and a mutt named 'Boo'.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I cannot say a hearty enough Amen to this. I have worried about marriages of a few good friends because they don’t understand how important sex is to their husbands and how it can protect their marriage. I have always loved what actor Paul Newman said about the temptation to be with other women outside of marriage; speaking of his wife Joanne Woodward, he basically said, “Why go out for hamburger when you can come home to steak?” That statement says a lot about both of them – that he kept his eyes focused at home and that she fulfilled him at home. I wish every marriage had that going for it! Thanks, Stu.
Thanks J! Now I’m Hungry.
The irony is that the “man things” that husbands might struggle with without consistent sex are the same “woman things” higher drive wives (who do exist more than these types of marriage shows/blogs are aware or acknowledge) might struggle when not getting consistent sex. The struggle for higher drive wives are not unique.
You are totally right. Thanks for pointing that out. I actually am going to post a similar piece geared for women, with similar points. I write from my point of view (as a husband with a higher drive), so take what applies, or leave what doesn’t… I do know that these similar struggles are very present for women as well. Thanks for commenting!
Amen, amen, AMEN! I wish this was put out there more often. I feel like society and even in the church, we are becoming more woman-centric…meaning we tend to take the women’s side in every matter. I hear ‘If momma ain’t happy then nobody’s happy…’ all the time…But if ‘Daddy ain’t happy, go to your man-cave’. Men are told to suck it up and deal, while women are empowered to withhold sex until they get it how they want it. Now, I believe men need to romance their wives, love them in non-sexual ways, etc…but sometimes wives need to just flat take care of their husbands. I know many men who’s wives neglect them sexually and then the wives are shocked to hear their husbands are involved in pornography. HELLO!..Why does Paul conscede to say that marriage is OK? Because it is effective in keeping people from giving into ‘Passionate lust, like the heathen’…
1 Corinthians 7:1-5
New International Version (NIV)
Concerning Married Life
1 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Thank you for the great post!
Let me add….I do not advocate pornography because each man must give an account, regardless of what happens in his life.
Yes, it is more than a little naive to assume that only husbands have strong sexual desires and might be tempted to stray if those desires are not met. Why such a one-sided article? Why not just state that each spouse, if mentally physically, mentally and emotionally, has strong sexual desires and should be fulfilled?
Hey Diane – thanks for the comment. If I posted both sides in one blog post, that wouldn’t give you a reason to come back when I post the wives side of things!!
No harm intended, and like I said previously, I am a husband who writes from a husband standpoint, and write from my experiences and what I am learning, have learned and continue to learn.
I think what Diane and I are trying to say is that as a higher drive husband, your perspective, experiences, and what you have learned is not unique compared to the higher drive wife’s perspective concerning consistency of sex.
That makes lots of sense. Appreciate you taking the time to comment SM!!
Really great article, but does not help out any if a wife doesn’t do anything about it. Earlier last year I got busted with porn on my computer, and the crazy part was that I had left the websites open on my computer screen from the previous night, so it was the first thing my wife saw the next morning….and I actually didn’t care one bit! I was in a sort of weird way relieved she saw it. Almost felt like I could look at porn anytime now that she knew. I could check it out whether she was in the house or asleep. I thought once she saw how much I struggle with it, she might be sensitive to my needs, while at the same time I could redeem myself to her….well, I was able to redeem myself in her eyes and heart, but that’s about it.
I also appreciate your part about, “feels demeaned or less than a man”, this is so spot on for me. My wife is notorious for wanting me to share my feelings and thoughts with her, but when she is upset with me, she has a horrific way of using those intimate shared details as “fuel for her fire” and they then become weapons to attack me. She has gone so far as saying I am a pig, or “So you want I should just lay on my back so you can f*$k me”, (that one blows my mind away). Now I can’t initiate sex, and struggle with all the things you mentioned. There are two things that keep me focused, it is 1. that God, for whatever reason, put this relationship together and 2. we have two beautiful daughters that need to be raised.
Thanks for sharing this and although it is great, pretty useless if change does not want to happen. Know what I mean? Even looking at the posts here, women are answering with responses about themselves without considering the audience you posted this up for…men. Another way that men’s desires get stifled and set aside, because we have to focus on the woman first, without getting any fulfillment ourselves. Ohh well, thanks to the movements out there!
THANKS STU!!!!
Jamie: “…women are answering with responses about themselves without considering the audience you posted this up for…men.”
Jamie, maybe another read through the post will help make it abundantly clear that Stu’s actual audience was NOT men but *women*. To me, it seems clear from the opening that his audience is women; however, his direct address to “wives” and “ladies” only several paragraphs in should remove any doubt about his intended audience.
Jamie: “Another way that men’s desires get stifled and set aside, because we have to focus on the woman first, without getting any fulfillment ourselves.”
As to your second point, about the female response to this post.
J’s moniker and response is gender ambiguous, yet J gives a direct, hearty affirmation to the post. My moniker and post does not clarify gender, so you may be assuming I am a woman. Diane would be the only one that you could likely accurately assume is a woman as “Diane” is generally a female name. Please be so kind as to point out in our comments which desires we are asking to have met first at the expense of men’s desires.
Another careful read of our comments should make it clear that Diane and I are not “stifling” or “setting aside” men’s desires by negating Stu’s points and demanding women’s desires be met first. We are actually indirectly affirming Stu’s points and broadening the argument by highlighting the fact that higher drive husbands and higher drive wives share something in common–temptation in all the same ways when sex is absent.
My hope is that you find in Christ the strength you need to overcome your struggle with pornography and to you love your wife as Christ loved the church, and may you find the sexual fulfillment you long for solely in your wife.
Your aricle was spot on. I read any articles I can to help me gain the right perspective of marriage & especially sex in marriage. While I have already been enlightened to the things I open my husband up to by not having consistent sex, I found that the article did confirm my husbands statements. I was not thoughtful of my husbands needs for years. It took hurtful, yet truthful words from my husband & eventually an affair for me to open my eyes. I realize that I was selfish, always thinking “why doesn’t he see this from my point of view”. All the while not trying to see it from his point of view. Between God & my husband I have found that all that you states is true. We(as wives) need to guard our husbands hearts. We can’t tell them no,no,no & expect it not to harm their esteem & possibly lead to them acting out.
My heart breaks when I read Jamie’s post. I will be praying for his wife to see their situation from Gods view and that she will love him the way God intends.
Blessings, Kim
I must say though that some husbands will stray regardless, so some of these are inexcusable!!! Can’t always blame the wife we are humans not animals!!
Animals??? Really?? Animals you say? I had a friend share something impactful a few weeks ago…in a nutshell…he said, “we don’t just see our wives sexually, but they are our friends, confidaunts, supporters, and so much more.” Animals? I do not think of my wife as an animal. That type of comment seems extreme! it makes me feel as I am a pig myself, for wanting a sexual relationship with my wife & only my wife. I have no desire to search for it outside my marriage, unfortunately, I am beginning to have no desire for searching for it in my marriage either. Having sex once every 3 years is hard.
Unfortunately, all of these examples are just symptoms of a much greater (and inexpressible) hurt caused when the emotional, physical and spiritual bonds that God planned for marriage go missing when the lower sex drive spouse denies the sexual needs of the higher drive spouse.
I believe this message is spot on. Women say they want men to open up and comminicate and we do about this subject, what we say is often ignored. I love my wife with all I’am, but when you are continually rejected it becomes difficult. I’m truly struggling because I have broached this topic multiple times and nothing has changed. She claims she is interested in me but will go days without a simple kiss. Wives must understand that if your husband is talking to you about this he is trying to save your relationship, not just satisfy himself. Please listen to him before another woman does.