This blog is about encouraging stupendous marriages. I believe one way to encourage, is to tell my story a bit more in depth. Hopefully, you will be able to be encouraged, or enlightened, about what porn can do in a marriage. I would say that one of the biggest struggles we have had in our marriage has been my struggle. Over the next couple weeks, I’ll be offering some of my thoughts about how porn affects a marriage.
I can only write about my experience with pornography – it might be something you can relate to, it might not. You might know someone who struggles, or you may not. You may feel differently than I do – or you may not.
A Pile of Magazines Under A Bed
My story with porn started when I was just around 12 years old. Like many boys – I had a friend down the street who’s dad had a pile of magazines hidden under the bed. If his Dad did, I figured mine did too.
I was right.
I found videos and magazines in the house, and was hooked. I became very skilled in returning things to just the right spot – or rewinding the tape to the exact same place.
My personal collection didn’t begin until I left for college, but it grew quickly. The first time I ventured into an adult book store, I was nervous. But, after the 5th time (and more), it became old hat. Magazines and videos started to accumulate, and I moved them from place to place. By the time I reached my mid 20′s, my porn collection was two black plastic milk crates full, and a duffel bag filled with videos.
Porn became such a part of my life that I told women that I was dating, that they had to deal with it, or they could leave. I was pretty selfish. I justified it as something I did, and enjoyed – it didn’t hurt anybody. I reasoned that I could have been an alcoholic or a drug addict, and I wasn’t, so it wasn’t that big of a deal.
First Attempt
After finding the woman I wanted to marry, and realizing that I wanted to change my habits with porn (you can read more of the story – My Story), I made some drastic changes while living in New Orleans. I find it funny that in the city of Mardi Gras and flashing, I was trying to get women to put on their clothes. (in my head)
I felt terrific the morning I made my first attempt to ditch porn. I heaved the mags and videos into the big green dumpster in front of our house. As I watched the trash truck ease up to the house and toss that dumpster over the side, I felt free from the collection I had for so long.
My Enemy The Computer
Since I got rid of my collection, I was able to go for a while with no porn. Yet, there was this other way to look at porn that I had found, and I didn’t have to leave the house to get it. The computer was my enemy. My struggle with porn continued along a different avenue – the internet. Most of my time was spent looking for pictures of glassy-eyed females who weren’t on newsprint pages, they were on a computer screen.
After the decision to dump the mags and movies, the computer would be a problem –like walking on the beach when the tide is coming in, is a problem. You can see or feel the waves on your feet, and if you don’t get out of the way, you are going to be swept out in the ocean. But there were many days and months when the tide was low. I was able to ‘walk on the beach’ – and not go looking.
After spending lots of time hiding my history, deleting where I went on the internet and then having set up filters, it was time to get some help outside of me and my wife. I wanted to be better, and not have a constant battle.
I’m not perfect. I want to be better at honoring my wife. I want to focus on my marriage and have it be the best relationship it can be.
Join me the next couple weeks for this ongoing series, as I dive into a little bit more of my story, and why porn takes the life out of marriage. I want to look at how:
- Porn Robs Marriage of Exclusivity
- Porn Focuses on Parts – Not the Whole Person
- Porn Kills Trust
- Porn Takes Your Focus
Has pornography played a role in your marriage? What have been your experiences? – I would love to have your input along the way.
photo byPlastic Nico
Stu & Lisa have been married 8 years (together 11) and have a heart to encourage couples in their marriages. They live in Middle Tennessee, have an awesome 6 year old, and a mutt named 'Boo'.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Stu, I think it's really brave of you to talk about this subject in relation to your own personal experience. I imagine it can't be easy. But that's the best way to get people to understand and connect, and encourage them to be courageous, too.
I also think it's great that you're making a series out of it. I look forward to seeing you deal with each one of these elements.
Thanks for sharing your story, Stu. Porn is such a widespread and destructive force in our society, and I think it's awesome that you are shedding some light on this critical issue. From what I've read, the fastest-growing group of porn consumers is WOMEN ages 20-35 (or something thereabouts)…that is scary!
I did the usual casual porn viewing back in my adolescent years, and I used to venture into that world online up into the early years of marriage. My wife happened across a nasty site in the history of our computer one night, and she made her thoughts clear. That slowed me down considerably, and I finally stopped looking at porn totally once we learned about Natural Family Planning and I started taking our sexuality seriously.
Thanks Kathleen! I have gone back and forth about sharing my own story – but I do hope that it can be of help to anyone who might struggle in this area!
That's an interesting stat – and I would believe it. You'll have to shed some light on how Natural Family Planning has influenced sexuality for the positive – that is intriguing to me!
That's an interesting stat – and I would believe it. You'll have to shed some light on how Natural Family Planning has influenced sexuality for the positive – that is intriguing to me!
Wow Stu! Your blog hit me right between the eyes, even the getting into porn at age 12. Like you I was around 12 years old when I was first introduced to porn at a Boy Scout meeting with some of the older scouts. It didn't stop there as my friends and I would search our parents houses. We found many mags, videos, and back then we figured out how to break the code on my dads satellite receiver so we could get a handful of XXX channels.
Your story about letting women you dated know that you were into it and they had to deal was the attitude I took as well. After meeting Alisa I tried to stop, but couldn't. A year or so into our marriage I even began bringing mags into our bedroom. Not good.
The computer was the worst. It freed me from having to go anywhere other than to the other room. Usually when Alisa was away or late at night when she was sleeping. The number of websites to visit were numerous and the pics and videos were free. I became numb and lost all sense of intimacy, romance, and real passion in our marriage.
6 years ago I was feed up with myself. I had a 1 year old, a beautiful wife, but I was looking at porn more than ever. Alisa wasn't aware how much I was into porn at that time so I had to come clean. I told her everything and asked her to be my accountability partner. If I was to get over this I knew that Alisa and God I could do it.
After Alisa agreed to be my accountability partner I viewed porn twice, yes 2 times, and that was it. To see the look of discuss on her face and the conversations we had after those two incidences changed me forever. I haven't looked since.
Thanks for sharing man.
Tony
Thank you for your honesty. My husband has been struggling with porn throughout our marriage and it has definitely taken it's toll on our relationship, on him and me. I look forward to reading your perspective and I will be encouraging my husband to check out your blog.
Thanks for the encouragement! I hope that my struggles can encourage you in
your marriage.
I recently discovered my husbands porn sites and videos and you can imagine my surprise when I found gay porn also, and I'm disgusted with the thought of it. I can't even begin to tell you what this has done to my self esteem. I keep praying for God to give me a healed heart but when I see my husband now, I see a gay man, lies, betrayal and mistrust. We've had to discuss the homosexuality issue before and he claims he's not gay, but this has reared it's ugliness again in our marriage and I just don't know what to believe.
Hey There Hurting…
I am sorry to hear about your discovery. I can only imagine what it feels like to discover someones hidden side. I only know of my side – of hiding. One thing that I have learned is that we are all broken. The brokenness rears its ugly head in many many ways.
You may not be able to do this now, but one thing my wife and I discovered is that we have to be on the same side of the issue (whatever it might be) – not against one another. To us, that meant imagining that you put the porn out in front of you…where you face it together…instead of seeing each other “through” the porn. Does that make any sense?
The brokenness in our lives causes distorted views of who we are as real people in Christ. Your husband…whatever his issue, is still a child of God. You too, are a child of God. He is your brother in Christ…as you are his Sister in Christ. Look at it with those eyes, and ask God to see him with that new perspective…please let us know if we can be of any help to you.
I couldn't say it any better. Stu is right on with this as I dealt with my porn issues for 19 years. I brought up some of my porn past with Alisa, my wife, about a month ago and it hurt her bad. You can listen to Alisa and I talk about how porn affected our marriage and what we did to be on the same page so that she could trust me again. http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/007-por…
It's tough building the trust back up, don't get me wrong, but with both of you being on the same side and coming together to battle this issue you can have an amazing marriage. It takes time, but it is worth it. It's when we go through the tough times that God is sharpening our marriage for the good times.
Thank you for your reply. I do understand what you are saying and yes it's difficult to go to the same side right now. It's not so much the porn, don't get me wrong, I believe this is very wrong, but it's the gay porn. It's not the 1st issue that's been exposed regarding homosexuality. In the first instance, we got on the same side of the issue and dealt with it. Or so I thought. He is a child of God regardless, I know that, but if he questions his own sexuality, where does that leave me, waiting to see if he is or isn't. He claims he isn't, but those vivid images are fresh in my mind daily, and again, it's not the 1st time we've had to deal with this issue in the last 6 years. I pray for him faithfully everyday that he search deep within himself to find the answers he is looking for.
It sounds like you guys have continued to struggle. What kind of outside support or help is he getting – other than you? Not that you shouldn't support him – It sounds like you are…even in your struggles…but there needs to be further steps taken, so it seems to help him sort out thoughts and choices.
PS…I have been thinking about this a bit more…Check out the work of Dr. Patrick Carnes. He focuses on the sexual addiction side of relationships…his books – Out of the Shadows…Facing the Shadow…Don't call it love…are all enlightening reads. You might be best to read his wife's book (she edited it – Stefanie Carnes) called Mending a Shattered Heart. Their direct website is gentlepath.com, but you can get their books on Amazon too.
Thank you Stu for the resources. I'll definitely check them out. I feel like I've prayed my heart out. My husband continues to stand on the basis that there is nothing to worry about. I'm trying so hard to get past this but I'm disgusted by the visions he sought out. And it's not only the homosexuality issue of is he or isn't he, and the porn. I don't think I mentioned that after this discovery I needed space. We separated and for 3 weeks, he never called to see if I was okay, say he was sorry, let's work it out – nothing, zilch. But I did discover he had been communicating with a women I had considered one of my closest friends and also a female co-worker. They corresponded on several occasions and may possibly still. And in addition to all of this, I was recently informed that the woman I'd considered a friend, had invited him to her house several months ago and he went, taking dinner with him. He claims it was nothing, but secrecy betrays trust. He hasn't yet taken her off of his Facebook page and it's been six months since I found out about this. There are so many issues I'm dealing with…and now he wants me to go to church with him again. Keep in mind, we attended church together since the 1st date (6 years), and he violated my spiritual values and sinned against me, and God and it's very difficult for me to share my worship time with him after all this.
This is alot – but thanks for reading it! God Bless!
Very brave indeed dude! This is definitely a courageous subject to tackle and to admit to as far as your own personal experience. I would be willing to guess that most guys have had this problem at some point in their lives.
I have had my issues with porn as well which started much like yours did — with my dads stash of mags.
The internet blew that little problem wide open and I my pastor introduced me to a site called http://www.covenanteyes.com. Have you ever heard of this terrific site? This is the easiest way I have found to stay accountable in the early stages of dealing with this tough issue.
DUSTIN – Really dude? Girls from 20-35? That’s totally nuts dude! (no pun intended of course! ) Seriously though that is a big surprise to me.
Hey Brad -
Yeah – CovenantEyes is a great resource. There are others that offer great stuff too – Bsecure – K9 (which is free) – xxxchurch.com offers a resource which is great too.
I battled a Porn addiction with my Ex husband for over 10 years. The scary thing is it can go way beyond just general addiction. My Ex started abusing me over this. We had 3 beautiful children and I loved him but it ruined trust. Trust is a big deal when it comes to this. He broke it over and over again. Even claiming to be “Delivered” and that very week when we were separated he did things to me worse then ever! That was my que I better get out NOW. Not just for me but for my girls as well.
We are divorced now. It left me with a lot of emotional scars. He was my first ever and so I started wondering what was normal in a marriage sexually and what wasn’t. That’s a bad place to be.
My Ex is now online flirting with a certain race he always fantasized about and going after young girls half his age. Its very sickening to me. Wives… Don’t stay silent like I did. Because when it comes out why you divorced? People wont believe you. Esp when in the churches eyes he’s a upstanding christian. That causes more issues. We sought help for years but it never changed. Just worse. I commend men and women for getting help. It can really ruin more lives than it needs to.
I just want to say how incredibly much I appreciate everything this website has to offer! My husband struggled with porn issues before we got married (I found out our senior year of college and it happened all through 2009). I almost wanted to not marry him until one day he came to me and said that he needed my help and couldn’t do it alone. He had been addicted to other things in the past and was able to get over them, but porn had a different hold on him. He has completely stopped since then (as far as I know – still working on that trusting thing!
), but we also have stopped talking about it because it is really uncomfortable.
I just wonder – how do I keep this a topic of conversation every once in a while and show him that I am just trying to be an accountability partner?
Hey Melissa! Great Question (thanks for the email by the way – will be emailing you there too.) You shouldn’t be his only accountability partner. Lisa and I tried that too, and it doesn’t work for 2 reasons – 1. the person with the struggle feels guilty about their mess ups and hurting the other persons feelings, and 2. the accountabilty person feels like they have to keep checking up to make sure that things are going ok.
I do believe you need to be having conversations about the addiction – and how its going – but you can’t be the one to hold him accountable. If it is something he has dealt with and is still working on – as many of us who struggle in this area do continue to work on – you guys need to be on the same team and he needs to be talking with a safe guy who can encourage and help – and let him vent when he is having a difficult day, or has an urge. He’s not going to say that to you most likely.
Thank you for your reply (I finally found it haha)! That is definitely a good point. Sometimes I feel like I am being his mommy rather than a partner just because he won’t really talk about it unless I ask. And the conversation usually just goes as follows: “So how is the porn thing going?” and he says “good no slip ups” – and that’s it. I don’t want to push any farther than that, but I would also like to know his thoughts on the whole thing too.
Also – I’m not sure if he has a friend or anyone that he would be comfortable talking with about the issue. I know that most of his friends think that porn is no big deal and that every guy watches it – just like most of this world. I also would like to get involved with a church – we have moved around a lot in the past 3 years and haven’t gone. It’s no excuse – we definitely need to get involved somewhere or at least start going somewhere. We both read our bibles and talk about what we’ve read and everything with each other but I still don’t think it’s enough.
Thank you so much for all of your help!
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