How Porn Almost Killed My Marriage

Here’s what I know: For me and my marriage – Porn isn’t a good thing. Perhaps you like to deny it, hide it, or whatever, but let’s be real. It’s not great for your marriage either. Honestly.

Part of my reasons for beginning this blog were to keep thoughts about my marriage in front of me.



Here is a quick list of how porn almost killed my marriage:

1. I Did Not Value My Marriage

Other bodies occupied my mind and my thoughts. I am not fully out of the weeds with my imagination, but wow, it is a whole lot better now that I am not surfing porn, or looking for a quick “hit” from somewhere else.

My marriage was not front and center in my life, it wasn’t my priority.

It caused hurt, resentment, a lack of trust and faith between me and my Beautiful Wife™.

2. I Valued the Physical Act Over Knowing My Wife Fully

I recently read in a book called Sacred Sex, that the goal of sex is not the orgasm. The goal of sex is oneness with your spouse.

For me, sex was always about the orgasm and not much else. I never knew that I was supposed to be striving for oneness with my wife.

My Beautiful Wife™ is more that just a body. She is a spirit, soul, mind, and body. Many layers. I was only after the one layer, and that was to lay her.

Its easy to jump into bed and never ever know your husband or wife.

Shallow sex might feel good for a couple minutes, but not being connected to your husband or wife on more than the physical level will leave much to be desired in your relationship.

By focusing only on one piece of her being, I was making her an object for my release. Not truly loving her as a whole woman.

I am sad to think of all the time I have wasted, but I am glad to finally be figuring it out.  With many years ahead of us,  I can honor her and continue learning so much more about her.

3. I Dishonored God

This is a given – being a guy who follows Jesus, I wasn’t living it out.

Not only that, I am supposed to be the husband of one wife. Not several wives.

If I am going by the Bible, thinking lustfully about a woman puts me in the same category as having sex with her.

Something I had not thought about until recently: That woman who I was lusting after? She is someone else’s wife, or future wife.

Interesting. That’s adultery and coveting.

4. I Had No Boundaries

My obsession with porn? All About Me. I remember actually telling girlfriends to “deal with it, it is just something that I do – who I am”.

With every look at porn, I objectified women more and more. Many of what would seem like innocent glances were filled with lust, sad to say.

I didn’t keep those looks for my wife, because I had no boundaries. I let my eyes and mind run wild with mental images of women.

You know what though? Putting the boundary up with my eyes and my mind has made me desire my wife much more.

Now, I think about where I am looking and what and whom I am looking at. That allows me to analyze the thoughts that I am having.

Porn caused me to ‘speed’ thru my thoughts. I used to automatically jump to lust in many situations.

But by putting the boundary up, I slow the process down in my mind. I don’t have as many lustful thoughts, and I can really think about my thoughts.

5. I Had No Vision for My Marriage

Porn makes it all about right NOW. Once again – All About Me. My fun, my desire, my need.

Ahh, but a marriage is made up of  two people. It’s not all about me and my needs.

My Beautiful Wife™ has needs, wants and desires too.

But in the moment, I was most important, and our marriage didn’t matter, all I cared about was that burning desire.

When its all about me, I don’t think of ‘us’. I don’t think about the future. I don’t think of the goals that we have.

6. I Worried About the ‘What Ifs’?

I guess that this would be the “commitment” worry. What a lie that is! I am already committed to the marriage – I made that vow with all my heart five years ago.

I just haven’t lived up to it.

The “what ifs” were just an excuse to justify the porn. What if she left, what if there was someone else? All of these are just lies and stupid justifications that don’t make sense. Lusting after nameless bodies caused crazy thoughts in my own head about my Beautiful Wife™.

Was she doing the same with other men? I have a natural jealous streak, so those thoughts led to insecurity on my part.

All because I was the one with the issue.

As I have been reading about marriage, a concept came up that I really took to heart and want to explore even more.

Here it is: What if your spouse was really your other half. God had this whole thing planned out from before we were here, that the two of us would be together. That I can’t function 100% without that other half.

7. I Didn’t Realize That I Hurt Myself When I Hurt Her

From a purely selfish standpoint, I don’t like to hurt.

But every time I would act out with porn, I not only hurt her, I also hurt the relationship. Both of these hurts would end up causing hurt to myself.

As I continued with the porn, it caused distance, lack of trust. All of these things that hurt her, caused hurt towards me in our relationship.

Porn Doesn’t Have to Have the Final Word

I am happy to say that I haven’t had any desire for porn since fall of last year (2008). I believe that there is a huge change going on with me and my marriage.

I am making new choices, and I am armed with new tools and thoughts to keep my marriage front and center in my life.

I am very thankful for that!

Have you struggled with pornography in your marriage? Please leave me a comment below.

Comments

  1. Wannabhealed says

    How did you get healed? What did you do to overcome it?
    I am also trying to get over it, but I keep falling. I am not giving up though.
    God bless.

    • says

      Its a long journey – something that I know I have to watch daily. I got accountable to other men, I learned about my true identity in Christ, I joined a local group called Celebrate Recovery… I ditched the porn, I learned some tools and techniques for when I am tempted… There are lots more!! Definitely getting involved in a group like a CR is very helpful to get started!

  2. Shawn says

    I’m now seeing how this can hurt I look at open before I go to sleep we have kids and we don’t get to have sex much so I looked at it as better then cheating but I can see how you use up the passion and raw sex drive one it and not my wife I need help

  3. says

    Thanks for being so honest and now being an example to others struggling with this. It is a hard topic no one wants to talk about and that is part of the problem. Keep talking about it. Thank you for letting others learn from your experience with your healing. God bless!

  4. Rory says

    I’m 30. I have been married for nearly 7 years. I started looking st porn in middle school. It continued into high school and became habit I practiced multiple times per day in college. I never realized it was a problem in my marriage until about 3 years ago. My wife and I wanted a baby, I worked days and she worked the graveyard shift. We didn’t have much time together for baby making. I began looking at porn more. I left the computer on one night and when she got home she was extremely hurt and upset. She thought I would rather do that then have sex with her so we could have a baby. That was not my intention. I slept in another room for about 6 months after that. I have cut back on the porn but find myself doing it again and hurting her more and more each time. I can keep it under control for a long time, but then it happens again. She asks why I do it, I know it hurts her. I don’t have a good reason. I need help and don’t kno what to do. Any suggestions would be great. I’m pretty sure she hates me, it’s only a matter of time now before she leaves.