Today’s AWESOME post is from Julie Sibert. Julie is a writer and speaker on sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at Intimacy In Marriage. She lives in Omaha, Neb., with her Beloved, their two sons and their rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer puppy. Check out her new book – Pursuit of Passion!
Sex is a big issue in a lot of marriages.
No surprise there, right?
I don’t want to get too caught up in generalities, but some are too prevalent to overlook. Here’s one worth pondering: Many husbands wish their wives not only would initiate sex more, but also would be more enthusiastic (even, dare I say, sexually confident) in the bedroom.
A significant number of Christian wives with whom I speak struggle with this (for a variety of reasons, but let’s stay focused here). They think that sexual confidence with their husband is incongruent with being a modest Christian wife.
Such a conclusion doesn’t show up blatantly in any Bible study or even in the Bible.
Nonetheless, the subtle (albeit false) implication still manages to weave its way into the hearts of wives everywhere – to become sexually expressive and responsive would somehow tarnish their integrity and faith.
The Proverbs 31 Wife
Enter stage right my friend and mentor: The Proverbs 31 Wife. Okay, I didn’t know her personally, but like a lot of you, I’ve read all about her being a woman of noble character (Prov. 31:10-31). Several Christian women loathe her, because they see her as a completely improbable standard – a poster child for inaccessible ideals.
Personally, I like the gal. She took charge, kept her kids in line, walked in her giftedness and helped her community. I mean come on, she was buying property and making profits at a time when it probably wasn’t very common for women to be business owners. She had a vineyard for crying out loud. She rocks in my book.
The Proverbs 31 Wife loved her husband, and loved him well. I can only fathom that all that confidence spilled over into their bed. I would be willing to guess she liked being on top occasionally, where she could lead sexually, bring about pleasure for both herself and her husband, and add some variety to their sexual landscape. It would seem to me what would be incongruent for her is to be a strong woman of faith by day and then lack confidence when getting intimate with her Beloved at night.
God clearly said in 1 Cor. 7:3-5 that husbands and wives should not withhold their bodies from each other. There is a tone of mutuality in these verses that cuts to the chase for me. Combine this with the fact that orgasm was God’s idea and that He equipped male and female bodies with the ability to orgasm. Seems clear that sexual pleasure and intimate oneness is meant to be a shared endeavor for husbands and wives.
Is That Type of Sexual Confidence Even Possible?
I’m not naïve. I don’t make light of the fact that some couples traverse through deep struggles sexually. What I do know is that my heart is all about speaking hope and encouragement to married couples on a variety of aspects of sexual intimacy, some light and some heartbreakingly hard. I know that if I asked 100 husbands if they would like their wives to be more sexually confident in bed, about 98 of them would respond unequivocally with a “yes.” Some may even cast absurd looks at me, as if to say, “Do you even have to ask this question?!”
If you struggle with sexual confidence as a Christian wife, plead with God to reveal to you His vision for sexual intimacy. Dig into Prov. 31:10-31, Song of Songs, and 1 Cor. 7. Have a vulnerable discussion with the man with whom you fell in love and married, pledging your heart, soul and body. (You did pledge your body, even if the pastor didn’t speak one word about sex).
When it comes to sexual confidence, I’m not talking about variety for variety’s sake. I’m talking about honest connection, truth and mutual responsibility for sexual expression.
I definitely think the Proverbs 31 Wife liked being on top. And if she were around today, I’d sit with her in her vineyard, talk about marriage and life, and drink good wine. Want to read more about what sexual confidence looks like and how you can learn to be more sexually confident, visit my post here.