As the Stupendous Marriage Show podcast rolls on, we have been really blown away by the first responses we have recieved. Many have expressed that just talking about “stuff” in our marriage has been beneficial – allowing others to talk about “stuff” in theirs! That started me thinking.
I don’t claim to have a market on every piece of knowledge about marriage. We are still growing, and what we have learned, we are excited to pass along and encourage others.
Our podcast gives Lisa and I an opportunity to talk about topics related to marriage that we might not talk about other wise. And, in turn, a topic that we find interesting might spark a conversation for you and your marriage.
That could be one of the best things that could ever happen in your marriage.
Here’s why:
You continue to learn about your spouse
We believe strongly in continuing to be a student of your spouse. When you talk about a subject – it allows you to hear perspectives you might not have thought of for yourself, and it also gives you a light into the person you are sharing your life with. You may never have known that your wife was a roller skating queen (which I didn’t know either til we went roller skating this last weekend with our son – thats a story for another time), or that she absolutely hates the color of the carpet. I don’t know – just examples. You learn by talking about things.
If you don’t talk, you (could) get resentful
If you have something on your heart – an idea, a thought, an expectation (which we need to be careful of)…and you don’t say anything about it – it opens the door to resentment. Someone has said that ‘expectations are reserved resentments’. The way you get past expectations is 1 – to not have them…or 2 – have an honest and open talk about what you would like to happen in the future. We’ll be writing more about expectations soon.
Problems give you reasons to talk
This one is interesting. I would argue that figuring it out together (working thru it, having conversations, as tough as they might be) are MORE IMPORTANT than the solution. Once you have a solution – you go do it. The issue isn’t an issue when you come to a resolution. The conversation piece is where you learn and grow. You have to give and take. You have to lead or be led. You have to express yourself well and politely. You have to navigate emotions and reactions. You have to negotiate and come up with Win-Win Solutions to your problems. Conversations are the field where the game is played. Once you have a solution – you have the proverbial touchdown. All you have to do is kick the fieldgoal. But the conversation is much like what happens between the touchdowns. Except both of you win, and you don’t have to wear tight pants and helmets.
The Challenge: Talk about something in your marriage. Listen to one of our marriage podcasts (shameless plug) and then talk about your thoughts on it with each other. What did you learn about your spouse? What insight did you get into their world?
Lisa and I have been learning lots about one another during our 30 minute conversations. We want to encourage you to do the same, it could be a real blessing for your marriage.
The cool part about you having a conversation is that you don’t have to use microphones (and you don’t have to talk for 30 minutes if you don’t want to!).
Really. Do this. This has been enlightening to me, and I hope it is helpful to you.
Let us know how it goes in the comments!
Stu & Lisa have been married 8 years (together 11) and have a heart to encourage couples in their marriages. They live in Middle Tennessee, have an awesome 6 year old, and a mutt named 'Boo'.
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I’m gearing up to have a conversation with my wife regarding an upcoming financial problem. In the past I have always made the conversations about the problem and the resolutions.
This time… I’m going to make the conversation more about “US” than the problem.
In reality the problem is already solved. But because I care about my wife… I want to get her perspective and see how aggressively she would prefer us to tackle it.
Thanks for the tips!
David
Thats a great thought David – getting her involved and another perspective can offer another perspective and draw you closer together – even if you have it ‘solved’. Cool!
Appreciate you taking the time to comment here!
This post is another great example of the seemingly little things that really matter in a marriage! If your objective is to have a conversation then no one “wins”…because our heated arguments only happen when we have the right answer.
Thats such a good point! When we have predetermined the outcome with expectations or just what we want…the conversation is almost pointless because we just want to win our viewpoint. Real conversation takes into account the others thoughts feelings – draws you together, and has no predetermined outcome, but leads to an outcome that you both can be happy with!
Stu,
Great post. Jenni and I recently went through an episode where I was reminded that the solution isn’t necessarily the answer. There’s more to it than solving the problem- there is the need to address how it affect our relationship and sense of connection. To quote from my post on that situation:
“There are many times when my introspective, factual-based, problem-solving nature comes in handy. But I’ve realized that there are also times when I need to be more transparent with my wife through the process, especially when the issue affects our relationship. To maintain intimacy when things get strained, she needs to know what I’m thinking and feeling as I work toward the solution to the problem.”
Scott – That is a great insight…communicating thru the issue, how it is impacting you on all levels not just “here’s our solution”…that way our spouses can really be in on our process! (and we can also be part of theirs – if they are also able to share deeper than just a solution!)
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