Lots of marriage experts talk about the need for a “Date Night” with your spouse.
You ‘need to do it’, you ‘should do it’, ‘make time for it’, ‘figure out a way to schedule it’, ‘make it a habit’, ‘a priority’.
I wholeheartedly agree.
But do you know the REASON why you should have a date night with your spouse?
Love Potion #9 In Your Brain
Lets jump back to when you were dating your spouse.
When you fell in love, your hormones went crazy. It was like you took “Love Potion #9″. Literally.
When you fell in love, the hormone mix in your brain did a number on you. It’s powerful stuff.
You couldn’t stop thinking about your new love. Your heart beat faster. You got hot. Your hands began to sweat.
You ignored all of your new squeeze’s not-so-great qualities (its like they were none existent!) You thought they were funny or you thought they were cute. You though they were smart. You smiled and batted your eyes. (swoon!)
Guys, you actually made conversation. You opened doors and you brought roses. You talked about “nothing” with her for hours.
But guess what? That “Love potion” mix ran dry about 11 months into the relationship.
You Lost That Lovin’ “Feeling”
If you stayed in your relationship (and I assume you did, because you wouldn’t be reading a marriage blog if you didnt), you began to notice that your love interest actually had flaws.
They burped and farted. They took 3 hours to get ready before a date. (WHAT? Who is this person!!!??)
What came next was a transition to a more commited love. A deeper love of sorts. Its when you decided to continue on in your loving relationship even though your feelings weren’t always the most loving towards your love interest.
It was more about commitment, than about gushy feelings.
Skip to the End
So, here we are today. You wish you still had all of those gushy feelings, but mainly you just notice the socks on the floor. Or you just wish she wouldn’t nag so much.
There is a way for you to SIMULATE those early feelings in your relationship. And You know what it is.
DATE NIGHT with YOUR SPOUSE
It works, because your brain doesn’t know the difference between what is real and what isn’t real. (Like when you are in a very safe, very cool, very dark movie theatre with hundreds of other people, you still get scared when the bad guy jumps out of the closet).
You can help jump start those hormones again by creating situations where those feelings were present.
Your Brain, for as smart as it is, in this situation, its kinda stupid. It thinks…’Wow, I’m doing lots of lovey things I’m getting warmed up again’…and it starts producing those hormones again. Perhaps not as many, and not as powerful, but repeated use keeps the juices flowin’.
If you know what I mean. 
Thoughts to get you started:
- Relive your first date.
- Reminisce about your first year together.
- Stay in and turn the lights down. (Date Night DOES NOT have to be a MONEY DRAINER)
- Hug for 30 seconds or more
- Kiss for 30 seconds or more
The Confusion
When we start out in marriage, we think we should always have “loving feelings”. When we get those feelings, we will act on them with loving actions.
But that’s backwards.
Many times you need to act in loving ways BEFORE you have loving feelings.
Feelings are Fickle. They come and go. If you always wait to act in a loving way – you won’t ever get back to those feelings.
By doing Date Nights, you can train your brain or at least help it keep the spark lit for your spouse!
Does this make sense to you? Talk to us in the comments!
Stu & Lisa have been married 8 years (together 11) and have a heart to encourage couples in their marriages. They live in Middle Tennessee, have an awesome 6 year old, and a mutt named 'Boo'.
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For couples with younger kids, date night can be easily overlooked and forgotten about. Here’s one thing I learned if you want to make date night a priority. Get a babysitter that will commit to the same time every week. In otherwords… if Wednesday night is date night, pre-arrange to have that babysitter show up at a certain time every Wednesday as whatever time. The baby sitter doesn’t have to call…they just show up. This places the burden of the in-love couple to CANCEL the babysitter if something comes up. A cancelled date-night should be the exception… not the norm.
David.
David – what a cool idea! That way it becomes just a way of life more than a struggle to figure out how to make it happen. Thx for the comment!
David,
This is exactly what we did almost 30 years ago. Monday night was (and still is, but without a babysitter) our weekly date night. Our regular babysitter became a loving part of our family. Because she knew us and our kids so well, she would help them make cards for us on our anniversary week. She would secretly decorate the house with balloons, bake a cake and let the kids decorate it for us on our birthdays. She was a gift from God to us. And one time we even took her with us on vacation. She didn’t ask us to pay her – we simply fed her, and took her with us everywhere we went, except at night. For a 15 year old to go on vacation without her parents was huge to her. But she was a great girl. We were able to go out after the kids were asleep if we wanted to. It was a great plan, so I’m really glad to see someone else has done this too.
Stu, This really did become our way of life. Our children anticipated our date night as much as we did. They loved Michelle!
We encourage young couples to find a 12 – 13 year old in your church and start having them over for dinner. Build a relationship with her/him and allow her/him to play with your kids while you’re there. This is the best way to “adopt” your very own babysitter. We did and it changed our marriage for the better.
Sorry for the length of this comment – we love this topic, can you tell?
Love the passion and the wisdom here!!! Thanks for sharing this!!!
Great post Stu! Also, great comments David, Tom and Debi! My wife, Mandy and I, love our date nights to the theater and it is fun to reminisce about our early dating years.
Thanks for the comment Mike! Lisa and I need to get out to the theatre more often!
I have been having date night for months now and can’t say that I feel what is being described here. I do remember that when my wife and I were dating the first time I had a bunch of those feelings. When we got back together the second time, I didn’t have any euphoric feelings. She said she did, but I just didn’t feel it. Not sure if that is why I am not feeling it through these date nights. I do love my wife, but….
Hey Jamie! Thanks for the comment. I do believe that feelings are fickle. Perhaps for you and your wiring, the feelings aren’t there. It’s more about connecting and making it a part of your life than the feelings involved. We all like warm feelings, but they aren’t the be all end all!!
Thanks Stu, I appreciate that, makes me feel better.
Jamie,
Another thing to consider is our feelings aren’t to be trusted. Only God can be trusted. As you act in ways of love to your spouse the feelings will eventually follow. It may take time, esp. if the feelings have been gone for a while. Most importantly, continue to pray that God would rekindle the passion and don’t stop. He will answer!
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