I had the privilege of writing a guest post for Julie Sibert at Intimacy in Marriage. She has a great blog -and really believes in encouraging Christian women in their sexual intimacy with their husbands.
I wanted to take some time to write about sex from a guy’s perspective, since lots of her readers are women! So, I offered up something that I thought might be beneficial – and not discussed a whole lot.
For guys – Sex is More than Sex.
It has many meanings – not just the ‘physical act’.
You can read the beginning part of the list at Julie’s Blog, then when you get done, come back and get the rest of the list!
Thanks for visiting from Intimacy in Marriage!
Here’s the rest of the list!!
Sex means bonding – There are many ways that you can bond with your spouse – It happens when you make a memory together, or struggle through a hard time and come out on the other side. But, if your love making is memorable… not just something that you do as a ‘have to’ – it can be a truly bonding experience. Weaving together as husband and wife in the most intimate and wonderful way.
Sex means appreciation – I am thankful that my wife enjoys sex. I appreciate that very much. There are many times that she could be doing other things. (Sleeping, reading, knitting a sweater – I just made that one up). So I am very appreciative that she decides to share herself with me.
Sex means sharing – Rick Warren said it best in the very first line of his book ’40 Days of Purpose’. “It’s Not About Me.” It’s about sharing ourselves with our spouse. About giving our love. How do they like to be loved best? As a man, am I giving that type of love to my wife, so she will share herself with me?
Sex means engagement – Engagement must begin with loving words and loving actions early in the day (mentioned in the beginning of this list in the “joy of pursuit”). I have to be engaged with her life, her mind, her heart… and I have to do it early. Zig Ziglar says that sexual intimacy doesn’t begin when the lights go out, it begins when the lights come on in the morning! I find that if I can engage daily – it is much easier to reconnect physically when the time is right.
Sex means giving pleasure – As a man, there is nothing more I love than this. If a husband is not pleasuring you the way you enjoy – help him. Gently. Encourage him. Give him coaching in what delights you. He wants to please. He likes to be a hero. Help him get there (and get you there) in the bedroom.
Sex means pleasure – Thank you God for the pleasure factor! For many years, I believed that the pleasure part was the most important part. But, as you can see from my list – it has become just one of several great reasons – that all combine into becoming ‘one’ with my spouse.
Guys chime in – is there anything I have missed?
Ladies – Does this open your eyes to what sex might mean for your husband?
Stu & Lisa have been married 8 years (together 11) and have a heart to encourage couples in their marriages. They live in Middle Tennessee, have an awesome 6 year old, and a mutt named 'Boo'.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Interesting points. But I have a problem believing sex is just this for guys. If sex is a “gift” they share with the wife, why do they seek porn or commit adultery? If sex is bonding, why are guys out for one-night stands and the “hooking up” culture?
As someone who was sexually abused, I have a hard time getting past the “sex is just how guys show love” argument. Maybe for some guys some of the time, but it's often a selfish, self-centered thing and that might explain why some wives feel turned off.
Hey Gina – Thanks for your comments.
I can't speak for other men. I can only speak for me and my experience.
As humans, we all are broken, and fall short in many areas. What we choose to fill the brokenness with is what is important. Many fill their brokenness with porn, other women…etc. I know. I am one of those guys.
I also know how much that hurts my wife. And I also realize that the more I tried to fill that brokenness with that type of activity, it actually pushed me further and further away from my wife.
I am very sorry for your experience with abuse, and understand why you would have issues with that comment. Hopefully you can experience sex with your spouse that isn't just 'selfish and self centered' at some point. Perhaps working with a good therapist or counselor would help you in this area. I know it is very sensitive for many women.
Thanks for responding.
I have sought counseling and married a good man who, like you, went through a time of porn addiction. We have worked through it and enjoy a great relationship, but I still tend to distrust all men because of my experiences where they will lie or use force to get a sexual experience with someone.
Fortunately, I married a good man who loves me and doesn't make me feel like an object. I wish that for all women.
I certainly can understand how you would feel that way. But rest assured that not all men are like that. There are many like your husband too; although there certainly should be more. But I have never had or wished to have a one night stand nor have I lied or used force to get sex. But then I’m only 55 so who knows what’s coming? just kidding; I have no intention to ever do those things.
Stu didn't say that sex isn't about sex. He said that it is more than sex. That's absolutely true. I use the much less emotionally charged analogy of a back rub. When my wife asks for a back-rub, its because;
#1 Her back hurts.
#2 She feels cared for when I rub her back
#3 She likes my non sexual touch.
#4 I'm by necessity close to her – she likes that
#5 and we usually talk when I'm rubbing her back.
For all those reasons, she LOVES back rubs. But #1 is still true. Her back DOES hurt.
What a great article! In a culture where all you hear about men being “playas” and only wanting one night stands, its nice to know that some men out there aren't all about the “dirty deed.” I have been blessed with a wonderful man of God, and we've been married for almost 5 years. I believe he thinks of sex in these same ways as you. I never feel like an object (unless I want to!
), and our sex life has always been very intimate and fun.
That being said, I think a lot of these apply to women as well. I had a friend a few years ago who was all about the physical act of sex and not any of the emotional aspects that tie in. While reading this, I felt like I was reading insight into how I view sex. Sometimes, its a sweet, and slow and an amazingly intimate time. Sometimes, the physical drive takes over and I just want my husband's body. Sometimes, we play a little in the bedroom and it makes sex really fun. I think a healthy sex life is key in a good marriage.
I think its very common for men to get caught up in pornography because its so easy to access. My husband has struggled with it in the past, as I think a lot of men have. He sometimes struggles with it now. But he always lets me know when he's dealing with it, and I try everything I possibly can to support him through that struggle. When he deals with this, part of me tends to think “I'm not doing enough for him.” or “I'm not sexy enough for him.” But I know that my husband loves me, and that his using porn has nothing to do with how I am as a wife or as a woman. Don't get me wrong. It still hurts, but I am comforted in the fact that he comes to me with it so we can deal with it together, and he doesn't have to go through it by himself.
nice post…liked how you really gave a personal feel to it.
http://www.leluv.com
I hear you on the “feeling like an object” I get it.
On the flip side though, a lot of men would love just once in their marriages to feel like an object. It'd be a dream come true.
…..of course we want both, but a lot of women seem to FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on the friendship and sex just happens to be some thing that might happen once in awhile when everything lines up perfectly…………..perhaps maybe.
Wholeheartedly agree. I have a discussion of this on GreatDateSpot.com. Specifically of how Sex Means More Than Sex which leads to More Sex and why men like sex. Here’s a hint- its not biological. Julie commented there too.
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